Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Writer's Block & Chocolate

My creative teet is suckled dry.

I have writer's block.

So, I'd like to talk about a couple of no particular order.

Consider this post a literary collage, if you will.

We were asked today in creative writing class to think of the most grotesque thing imaginable. As it were, for a creative writing major, I'm not good at making shit up; I have to jazz up my real life experiences.

I considered writing about jail, but then remembered my rambunctious younger cousin's facebook post a couple of weeks ago about the bacon bar.
Bacon and ground pork sausage living happily inside a baked chocolate loaf...Yumm!

Yes, folks, this is real. It comes from a cook book that is a compilation of all the most disgusting recipes in the world.<--And the compilers did a fantastic job! Are you vomiting in your mouth? I am.
The book is called "This is Why You're Fat."

Sure, it looks like an innocent chocolate/pork loaf but I'm pretty sure the concept for this was spawned in Hell by Hitler and the people who spent their lives refusing to roll their toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.
Another thing I'd like to briefly touch on is social relevance; despite what anyone might say or think, the Golden Girls are still AND WILL ALWAYS BE socially relevant.

I use this snickers' commercial as my evidence:

"That's not what your girlfriend says!" haha. Betty White, you are a riot and a treasure to society.

Believe it or not guys, that's all I got at the moment.
They don't call it writer's block for nothing!

Concepts I'm working on: "My Life as Squidward" & "When Hell Freezes Over" <--I promise, it'll make sense once I've panned these ideas out fully...

Monday, February 22, 2010

Some things just stay with you...

I don't know what's up with Nick-@-Nite but every night the channel starts snowing.

I hope that's the correct term for that static garbage that happens to your tv when it loses signal.
I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about.

The point is, that television snow freaks me out.

As a result of being sick and sleeping most of the weekend, I've had the hardest time falling asleep tonight.

I was laying awake with my eyes shut when the Urkel re-runs were interrupted with the sound of crssssssh crssssssh. Television static/snow.

Ever since seeing The Ring, the sound of television snow reminds me of this:

"Crap. I lost my contact..."

 And I'm pretty sure television snow will never again be innocent for me...ever.

I guess some things just have a way of staying with you.

So anyways, after forcing my eye lids together in a way that totally made my forehead ache because it was so forced, I just decided fuck this. (totally redundant use of the word "force" but seriously, I almost gave myself a hernia.)

At which point I attempted to leap from bed to the light switch without having to my open my eyes. & I was semi-successful minus the part where I haven't put away my shoes in a week so my left foot actually landed on an overturned stilletto. -->Fail.

& thus, here I am. Blogging at a little past 4 am.

If I could inject some humor into this situation

It's true; but I've always preferred Waffle House...

Okay, so now, I'm forreal going to try to go back to sleep so I'll be well-rested for disappointing my Art Professor at 9 am.

Happy Monday, Reader(s)!

Metaphorical Dump on my Dreams

My hopes and dreams have been trampled.

I cannot find the spell check on here; I constantly have to come back and re-read posts to see if I misspell <--I'm not even sure if that's how you spell misspell...
Now I go to google and start typing words until they come up correctly spelled.

That's not what trampled my dreams.

Yesterday, on my way out, I decided to check to my mail.
What should be in there other than my first Law School rejection letter...

From my dream school, who shall remain nameless.
It's a good thing that by saying I was on my way out, I actually meant headed to the bar.

This photo is a metaphor; the van is my hopes and dreams.

I was going to scan it & put it up here so that you could live vicariously through me and bask in my rejection. Until I remembered that after reading it, I threw it in the trash.

It is now buried beneath stale brownies and empty cans of chef boyardee.
May it rest in peace.

My yoga instructor gave us this assignment two weeks ago where we had to take negative situations and think about the underlying positive implications beneath them. Her deal is that positive thoughts create positive life.
This got me to thinking about something almost practically unrelated, the film Up in the Air.

I was thinking about George Clooney's line that he uses everytime he fires someone;
"Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it."

Didn't I write a post about sperm and failure or something?

Anyway, okay so my point is I guess getting rejected is one of those things that's going to build my character and maybe, in the long run, a different school is going to be better suited to my needs.

I'd like to leave you with this thought for today:
Go fuck yourself, UT Law!


Friday, February 19, 2010

Intriguing And Yet...

So when I woke up this morning & stumbled naked from my bed to my computer desk--> I wasn't drunk, I do this every morning<-- my skype account had a message notification. I opened it to find this:

There are thousands of unhappy married women and men in every city, but they DO NOT want to leave their spouse. They want to stay married, but they want to have an affair without ever being caught. Our dating community is extremely popular!

Having an affair can be stressful because you never know if the other person involved is going to get attached to you. You just want to have an intimate encounter and nothing else.

A great thing about this Discreet Dating Community For Married People is that there is no cost to join. You can check it out, see if you like it, and then begin contacting married people for secret intimate encounters.
Press here if you want to have an affair with a married person...

I'm not including the link!!!

Some of you might find yourselves too old for The Girl Code, or, as my role model Fran Fine calls it the OGC; short for Official Girls' Code, but I for one believe that this sacred text is TIMELESS.
I'm pretty sure with the scandal of Tiger Woods it was recently amended to read:


The reasoning being, well, there's so many reasons why you shouldn't do it:

1. It's Wrong--you are completely disrespecting that man's promise to another woman. A promise he made before GOD <--I don't know if you believe that, but my mom's Jewish so I had to throw in a little guilt.

2. I'd like to think that 8 times outta 10, the buster never leaves his wife. Why? Because divorces are expensive and if he wasn't very seriously considering spending his life with her, he would have divorced her long before he started sleeping around.

3. THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON: If we stop screwing married men, ALL OF US WOMEN ON THE PLANET, then, in theory, we wouldn't have to worry about our husbands screwing any one else...except other men...

4. Did I already say IT'S WRONG?

5. If you get caught, it's nasty business.

I had this friend Priya* & she started fooling around with a married man from her office. When his wife found out, she rallied their family against Priya and before we could all even blink, there was a "Ayirp: the anti-priya" Facebook group, telling everyone about Priya, the poor-sad wife who had given her husband the best years of her youth and wanted to have babies before her biological clocked stopped ticking, etc...

And then the guy went back to his wife.

That guy was a creeper; shortly after Priya decided to stop taking his calls (he was trying to sell her this whole "I'll be married, but I'll always love you" deal) he emailed me wanting to meet. I had no idea how he got my email address but decided to meet him up. We met on campus (he works for my university) in front of the main library. Right there, in full daylight, this guy starts sobbing incontrollably. I laughed nervously as passers-by started staring, indicated a table and told him to say whatever he needed to. After hearing his story, I told him, 

"Hey, I know Priya's a great girl, but it's not fair to her or your wife. You have to move on."

 He told me I was right and thanked me for meeting him. I said,
"No problem, this is actually right next to the class I just came from."

He says, "I know. I looked up your student record so I could work out a time and location that would work best for you, I also got your email address that way."

I wished him luck, said bye, laughed nervously, and grabbed my bookbag before casually walking/jogging/sprinting off.

Do you see where I'm going with this???

Sleeping with married men is BAD. Don't do it.

*Priya is not my friend's real name... I felt this warranted a disclaimer...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Because the Greatness of AnchorMan is Everywhere & often goes unnoticed

I am pretty sure that song "Be on You" by Flo Rida ft. Neyo is based off of Anchor Man.

My Evidence:

Exhibit A--The lyrical content in the chorus in oddly similar to a scene from Anchor Man

Lyrics, And I Quote:

"I said 'excuse lil' mama if I may, take this thought & send it your way. And If you don't like that, then send it right back. But I just gotta say...I wanna be on you.'"

& I promise it is almost verbatum the scene where Ron Burgendy & Veronica Corningstone meet
Watch the Scene Here!

Ron, "I wanna' say something. I'm gonna' put it out there. If you like it, you can take it. If you don't, send it right back. I wanna be on you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I...I wanna be on you."

& That's my evidence!
There is no exhibit B or C, etc.

& since I am Attorney, Jury, and Judge on this blog, I rule in favor of myself. Ergo: I win!
Case Closed

I know, I just blew your mind. No need to thank me.

Stop me if I'm rambling...

I am horrible at waking up for my 9 am painting class.

I go, I get paint all over myself, my prof comes up to me and says "You look like you're having fun. At least you're learning how to use paints!" Which I'm pretty sure translates into "You have no talent for painting" in painter talk.

Let me get back to my original idea; so I have to study for this classical mythology test (I failed it) but it's Sunday. The test is Monday, and at 11 pm Sunday night, I still haven't started studying. I've never done this before, but I decide to buy a Full Throttle and make a night of it. My reasoning was if I studied and then got tired, I was not going to wake up for art and our prof is mostly pretty alert to absences.

I missed the first day of class & she found me--ON FACEBOOK--and messaged me to see if I was still in her class because if not she would like to give my seat (only 10 students are allowed in her class) to someone else. I don't think it helped that my facebook status on that particular day was "Lauren decided not to go to class today."

So anyway, I stayed up all night cramming and drinking Full Throttle.

When I got home around 3, I passed out upon entering the front the door. I woke up 4 hours later with a fever.
I'm not saying it was the Full Throttle.
While I was taking my test, the kid next to me had a suspicious case of the sniffles--it coulda been him!
Or anybody Really..I've noticed an outbreak of cold-like symptoms on campus cropping up these last few days.

But I am saying, Full Throttle is the only thing that makes my symptoms go away. Maybe because it's an energy drink?

Or maybe it's a clever conspiracy coined by Fuze Beverages.

I can't stop drinking the stuff.

The downside?

Full Throttle+Sleep Deprevation= Massive Headache

Full Throttle+Gummy Bears= Stomach Uneasiness+Mild Diarrhea

2 cans of Full Throttle in under 8 hours= Hallucinations+ Paranoia

Full Throttle+Cold= Manifestation of Attention Deficit Disorder Tendencies....maybe I already had those...
This is science, people!

Like today, while my friend and I talked about stripping (we're in a gender & society course together) I interrupted him to tell him how I love the blossoms, even though they stink. I walked away from him & pulled out my camera. He comes up to me and says, "I think you have A.D.D."

Just then, a group of girls walk by; one of them says, "Ugh, it's these flowers! That's what stinks!"

A second girl, "Omg, it IS the flowers!"

Me, "See! I told you!"

I forgot what I was talking about...

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Driving this morning, I realized something; today, at almost exactly this time last year, I was in the process of being arrested and taken to jail for beating my boyfriend. I didn't really beat him; I actually slapped him on his back. But he called 911-->mostly because I'd just come to realization that I definitely could not be married to him, even though those were our plans & I told him how I was feeling. He was getting ready to deploy to Iraq & I think that news was just too much for him at the time. He freaked the fuck out & the final result was me slapping him to get him to stop throwing furniture around the house (I had guests coming in 2 hours) and him calling 911 to spite me.

He never anticipated that I would get arrested; he thought the officers would come and slap me on the wrist, tell me how bad of a person I am for breaking a soldier's heart, and continue to let him throw furniture.

I'm being very blunt. It's not because I don't care who reads this or what people who read this will think of me. I really do care and this is very painful for me to write; I never thought of myself as the kind of girl who would be in THAT kind of relationship, let alone be arrested.

That guy I was dating is not a bad guy. At that point in our relationship, we'd become accustomed to hurting eachother out of spite. So much happened in that relationship--looking back on it, I wonder how either of us ever stayed in for so long because it was horrible. It was really Hell.

I spent Friday, February 13th of 2009 in jail, as well as that Saturday, and that Sunday morning.

I was moved from the holding tank into Cell Block D. I had four cellmates & they were really nice women. I was so surprised after talking to them that I blurted out, "Wow, I was so scared of being in here, but you guys are really nice." I hadn't even thought about it, it was one of the most ignorant things I've said. One of my cellmates responded by saying, "Not everyone in jail is a bad person. They're just people who've made mistakes and been caught."

That Valentine's Weekend was a great experience. & that's NOT sarcasm. It was the weekend I was realized I didn't even love that guy (If I ever really had, it had been so long ago it was no longer relevant), & knowing that gave me the strength I needed to get out of that miserable relationship. It was the weekend I came to the understanding that ALL of my actions, no matter how small, had REAL consequences. It was the weekend I saw myself as a Criminal. I know how that sounds like it's actually not a very good thing, but in reality, we ARE ALL CRIMINALS. All of us break the law, just not everyone goes to jail. The word criminal is a label we use to separate ourselves from people in jail, to say, "I'm not like them. That's not me."
But it was me, and unfortunately, it's you, too. We think of criminals as murderers and rapists, robbers...we forget that there are white collar crimes, we forget that speeding, texting in school zones, pulling fire alarms for fun <--those are crimes. No one is better than anyone who has gone to jail simply because they haven't. & I think we often forget, some of the people who have most impacted the world have been imprisoned. IE Nelson Mandela, Bill Gates, Martin Luther King, Jr, Rosa Parks--> The list is a LONG ONE.

I'm getting off track. I meant for the point of this post to be that even though that experience was so painful and even embarrassing, I've learned and grown so much from it in just a year. I can't believe I had to go to jail to learn those things, but if it meant not knowing, I'm glad I went.

Happy Valentine's Weekend; I'm going to celebrate tonight by studying some Classical Mythology for my test Monday & going to bed early. :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Like my Ipod's Stuck on Replay...

I think that song is so sweet. But I'm not actually going to write about that. I want to write about Corinne Bailey Rae & encourage you to listen to her new album, The Sea. It's not as soulful as her first album but more blue-sy and rock inspired. She even has a Jimi Hendrix cover. The music's very honest; pure vocals & instrumental; very little if no studio-fabricated sounds.

What I like best is that some of her lyrics are similar to Shakespeare sonnet; ex: "It's hard to recall the taste of summer when everywhere around, the chill of winter..." {Are You Here, Corinne Bailey Rae}

Reminds me of...


How like a winter hath my absence been

From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!

What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen,

What old December's bareness everywhere!

And yet this time removed was summer's time,

The teeming autumn big with rich increase,

Bearing the wanton burden of the prime

Like widowed wombs after their lords' decease.

Yet this abundant issue seemed to me

But hope of orphans and unfathered fruit,

For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,

And thou away, the very birds are mute;

Or if they sing, 'tis with so dull a cheer

That leaves look pale, dreading the winter's near.

 --William Shakespeare

You see the similarity, right? Maybe it's just me...
it's not an official video, just the song & slideshow...

Just an Update, her video for Paris Nights & New York mornings premiered today on Amazon! <3 Watch it & listen to snippets of the album by clicking this link!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

"You Weren't There But I Imagined"

It was the wet, green grass and the way it bounced and bent beneath our bodies. The wide blue blanket we opened onto the earth, and the way the fabric of it scratched the skin on our backs and elbows. The crystalline clouds of air escaping from our lungs shimmered as they rose and slowly faded into the night’s sky. It was me; gazing up into the blue abyss of midnight, waiting.

You were not there.

But I imagined you; you, with your back against gray rocks and the cold air settling on your skin and making water droplets on the hair of your arms. I saw the same dwindling stars reflected in your slender brown eyes as you looked up. I imagined the pumpkin colored leaves coating the ground around you. Wet, they didn’t crunch as you moved, but rather muffled whispers. My index finger traced the length of the blue vein in your arm as you and I; we looked up into the stars.

You weren’t there, but I imagined.

That vein expanded until it was a river, until it was day, and you and I stood over it on a bridge. Looking over the railing, we waived to our reflections in the green water. It was July. Behind us, the sun was beginning to set, casting down golden beams of light that pushed from behind clouds. We turned to face those rays of light and the skin on our faces was warm. We watched for a moment as the dandelion light broke through clouds and danced on the water’s surface on the opposite side of the bridge.

You touched my shoulder as a small, purple shadow zipped past me. It was followed by so many more small, dark beings taking off at a frenzy. Leaning forward against the railing, we were part of the bats’ sunset chaos. They scattered from beneath their home in all different directions and somehow met in great indigo puffs heading away from the sun. We stayed until the last bat shot up from beneath his bridge and twirled among the peach colored clouds before speeding off to join one of those indigo puffs. Your long fingers reached for mine as we headed home.

That day was sweet and warm, like wine. Even in the midst of a bitter winter evening the memory of that summer day fizzes against my tongue, slides down my throat, settles in my stomach and sends a warmth coursing through my body.
Above, the shining beams of light are small against the thick blue mass of sky. It is like so many bats flying together, becoming one deep cloud and blotting out the sun. The bats contain all but a few persistent rays that poke through the swarm to be swallowed up by my eyes as I lay in the dewy grass; imagining, remembering, dreaming. I roll onto my side and acknowledge the empty expanse beside me, I wondered how long I would wait for that space to not feel so bare and abandoned.
Folding up the large blanket, I wiped dew and blades of grass off of my hands and onto my jeans. I held the fabric close to my chest and recalling the bats of July, tried to taste your warmth. My footsteps echoed against the pavement and for a moment, I thought I heard a second set of steps, a second echo.

You were not there, but I imagined you were.

Just something I turned in last week. I was inspired by some of Neruda's work and some almost distant memories.

C, from Cien sonetos de Amor

In the center of the earth I will push aside
the emeralds so that I can see you--
you like an amanuensis, with a pen
of water, copying the green sprigs of plants.

What a world! What deep parsley!
What a ship sailing through the sweetness!
And you,--maybe--and me, maybe--a topaz.
There'll be no more dissensions in the bells.

There won't be anything but all the fresh air,
apples carried on the wind,
the succulent book in the woods:

and there where the carnations breathe, we will begin
to make ourselves a clothing, something to last
through the eternity of a victorious kiss.

-->of course, Pablo Neruda

Valentine's Day Survival Guide

I know that this time of the year is, for some, riddled with anxiety.

-->"What gift do I get?"
-->"Do I give a gift?"
-->"I can't believe I'm fucking alone on Valentine's day!!"

So, in the spirit of which this blog was spawned (helping/helpfulness, etc) I'd like to offer some advice for all of my one reader. {I pretend that there's more of you or could be one day...}

My biggest piece of advice is this: YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND A LOT TO SAY THAT YOU CARE.

I know that's so cliche, but seriously; sometimes the smallest gestures can be the most profound.

With the economy in recession, I'd like to propose that doing something small might even relieve some pressure off your partner. Hey, they're worried about their finances, too! All of the ideas I'm going to propose could potentially cost under $30 & of course more depending on how extravengent you wanna' get! I'd like to think that some of these are so cheap, you can even mix 'n' match for added pizaz!

Unfortunately, I'm a girl so the majority of my advice will be geared towards those who play the more masculine roles in the relationship, but hopefully any lady/feminine readers will find useful tips in here, too!

My second, but equally important, piece of advice: MAKE IT MEMORABLE, MAKE IT UNIQUE.
In other words, try not to bore them to death with run-of-the-mill gifts.

Let's get started, shall we?

A. "Say it with flowers..."
No matter what anyone tells you, flowers are almost always an ace in the hole. I find it rare that any girl would get upset because her significant whatever bought her flowers. In order to follow rule 2, you're going to have to think outside of the box. Unless she's just a gigantic rose fan, NO ROSES!!!

Here's what you do:
you go into your local grocery store & pick a bundle of flowers that isn't pre-arranged. Any bundle! Just try to make sure they're not wilting or bruised & go for something that gets your attention. These bundles usually range between $4 & $12 for a few stems.
Flowers that are commonly at most grocery stores & are sure to get her attention/win her heart:

Orchids-->my personal favorite. Nothing tells a woman how exquisite she is more than comparing her to an orchid.

Tiger lillies: Women LOVE these. No idea why, not my favorite but certainly a popular & beautiful choice.

Hydrangea: One bundle of these goes a looong way! They are beautiful, voluptous bundles & come in a variety of colors. I've never heard someone say they're a favorite, but I can't imagine anyone objecting!

Sunflowers: they're so perky & fun to look at! A bundle of sunflowers says "You make me happy."

If you wanna' jazz up your bouquet, take them out of their celophane wrapping & replace it with a tissue paper complementary to the color of your flowers. As long as you take them out of the celophane, you're good to go, really.

For ideas based on meaning, or to look at flowers to see what your partner might like, check out:

& if your partner has a green thumb, which some do, you can try buying them a live plant as a symbol of your growing together, your continuing relationship, your growing love. Cheese-tastic, yes? :)

B. "The fastest way to the ♥ is through the stomach."
as in cook for them!
My favorite romantic recipe book is Make Out: 60 recipes for gettin' it on, by Tonia George. & you can purchase it at a steal!

Some of my favorite little recipes:

1. Chocolate covered strawberries
-->you need:
baker's bark (white, or regular, or both if you're feeling adventerous)<--I prefer Ambrosia brand wax paper micro-wave safe bowls I promise, this will be easy! first, put two or three chunks of the bark into a bowl, set it in the microwave for 30 seconds wash your strawberries lay out wax paper Once your chocolate has melted, you'll dip the strawberries in one at a time & then set them on the wax paper to cool. See? Easy Schpeezy! If you wanna get fancy, do your strawberries in either the white or regular chocolate bark & once they've cooled, use the opposite color bark to accent them. (ie Regular chocolate strawberries with white chocolate decoration). The easiest way to do this is to dip a spoon into the opposite color bark & allow the melted bark to drizzle over your strawberries. It'll make neat little zig-zag/ criss-cross patterns if you do it right. Some people like to add whipped cream to their strawberries once they're finished. I think it's good, but unneccessary. Use your descretion! Total cost: about $12-15 <--maybe even less since I'm guesstimating! 2. 21 & UP ONLY! Strawberry shots! Yuuum! You need: strawberries a bottle of Parrot Bay & whipped cream First, carve little wholes into the top of your strawberries. Then, fill with parrot bay! Top with whipped cream Tada! 3. Cupcakes! -->Buy a box of your favorite cake mix, your favorite icing (I usually just go with white because I can make it any color I want by adding food coloring! Like Blue!) & cute cup cake cups!
Follow the instructions & trust me, everyone loves cupcakes!
Add maraschino cherries on top for added sweetness!

4. Dinner: Go Italian!
Why? Because it's easy, cheap, & hard to screw up!
I suggest spaghetti or lasagna.
Google a recipe, pick your favorite that fits your budget, & make it happen!

C. "Words, Words, Words"
This actually works & I think it's the sweetest. If you're low on funds, why not just write a love letter? Just sit down & take the time to say everything you forget to say or have been to shy to say. If you want to be extra adorable, put it in a bottle, like an empty wine bottle, & just make sure they'll be able to get it out. :)

If you're afraid you don't have the right words, you can always borrow. My favorites are Shakespeare & Pablo Neruda->just make sure to let them know you didn't write it yourself!

D. "If music is the food of love..."
Make a mixed cd for them.
Just pick 9-13 of your favorite love songs.
after you've burned the cd, pick your favorite line from each song, write it down. Dedicate those lines to them.

E. "Make it a blockbuster night"
Rent a Movie!!!
My recommendations:

Ten Things I Hate About You
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
Sixteen Candles
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Shakespeare In Love
Lucky # Sleven
The Notebook

& really, it can be any movie! Just try to pick something both of you will like! It can even be a historical documentary; the point is you're together. No joke, I once watched the national spelling bee championship on ESPN with a boyfriend. Neither of us were particularly interested, but for some reason both thought the other was watching it, & we actually had fun.

F. "I made this for you"
Print off your favorite picture of the two of you.
You can write a sweet note on the back with a sharpie,
you can paste it onto a canvas or piece of cardstock & make a collage with magazine cut outs
whatever you want to do, I'm like 80% sure they'll love it.

G. "7 minutes in Heaven."
Take turns giving eachother massages! It's fun, it feels good, it's amazing.

You can buy edible massage oils from Victoria's Secret OR my favorite are the soy-bean oil candles available at cindie's-->even when the candle is lit, you can pour the wax onto your partner's body without burning them! AND the wax becomes massage oil once you rub it!

Not to toot my own horn, but I think some of these ideas can still translate over if you're single this season.
For example, you can invite friends over to have dinner, drinks, and watch movies & still have a rockin' valentine's day!

& this is my v-day advice for 2010. you don't have to follow it!
P.S. --> Big gestures are STILL fun & if you have the funding, by all means, go for it! I'm just saying, money can't buy me love. haha. But really, small gestures, with the right amounts of sincerity behind them, can mean just as much or more than the big ones!

Now go out & be fruitful, you crazy kids!
Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

"Ideal Man," A List

I want someone beautiful,
with soft, creamy skin.

I want someone who has mastered the English language; someone who loves words.

I want someone with a big heart.

I want to be protected.

I want someone who looks good in ANYTHING/EVERYTHING & doesn't wear labels.

I want to be wanted without being needed.

I want to be a team.


I want someone with an open mind.

I want to be chased.

I want to be on his mind & in his heart. I want to be his friend.

I want someone with ambition & drive.

Someone honest.

I want someone to Grow with me.

I want to take trips.

I want to be surprised.

I want to be held while I sleep.

I want someone who's kisses will make the world fall apart.

I want to be addicted.

I want someone who reminds me of poetry.

But Most Importantly:

I want someone who will make me forget this list.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."--Chuck Palahnuik

Friday, February 5, 2010

We Are the Champions

I'm just going to jump into this:

When a man comes, hundreds of thousands (possibly millions, I'm no physician) of sperm are shot from his penis into his partner's place. For the sake of this post, let's have my couple be a heterosexual couple, in which case these sperm are shooting into a vagina. True to the male psyche, all 100,000 (+) of these sperm have only one thing on their minds: scoring.

In most cases, JUST ONE sperm gets to swoon & fertilize the ONE egg, & from this a human life begins to form. This may be a big jump here, but what I'm getting at is that that ONE sperm that swam the fastest, that ONE sperm with the most drive--the one who wanted it the most, even that ONE sperm who planned his course on googlemaps ahead of time...
JUST THAT ONE SPERM joined with the egg and grew up to be YOU, Me, the WORLD. From this perspective, in essence, we are ALL the spawn of champions.

So then why do we ever feel inadequate?

For me, the source of my inadequacy all began with one 6 ft tall, Greek God of a man.

Let me back track; there's this tiny chocolate cake at Olive Garden--it's warm & filled with smooth molten chocolate served with warm cream and strawberrie...It is the most exquisite thing that has ever been in my mouth. Follow me...

To touch this man, to hold him, make love to him, kiss him, feel his body warmth next to me in bed, sometimes even just to look at him gives me the same sensation of taking that decadent first bite.

At any rate, I was sunk...and pretty much immediately at that. My inadequacy didn't stem from this fact, or even from the fact that I was dating someone who was coveted. It sprouted from the fact that his list of ex-girlfriends and prospects consisted largely of entertainers, models, and countless other atrociously beautiful women.

On top of that, he really didn't get my sense of humor so he wasn't immediately carried away with my charm.

-->The story of my Grecian God still persists in many exciting, if confusing and frustrating ways, but those are stories best saved for another time.<--

What I learned from all of this is that inadequacy leads to insecurity and while recognizing and admitting to faults is a wonderful/beautiful thing, insecurity is VERY UGLY. -->IT WILL GET YOU NO WHERE.

Moreover, I was failing to see something; my beautiful lover was casting a net and catching beautiful, talented, and educated women--somehow, his personal opinion of me landed me in the same net.

While I have to admit sometimes I'm prone to jealousy when I hear of the women's successes, being in the same net with them is not such a terrible thing. It's a HELL of a much smaller and more exclusive net than those cast by some of the other men I've dated. And Furthermore, while I'd hate to switch analogies on you, of all the sperm swimming towards him, for the time being, I was his champion--the one that swam faster, better, and stronger & got to bask in my victory.

Wait, it gets better:

I think we have to view life this way. No body wins, or loses for that matter, all the time. Only ONE sperm gets the egg and the odds against him are 100,000 (+) to 1!!! That means 99,999 sperm never make it. Sometimes we have to be those sperm. But that's not such a bad thing, right? Look at how many people (sperm?) stand beside us; we are rarely ever alone in our shortcomings or perceived failures.

I'd like to leave you with this thought from "Our Deepest Fear" by Marianne Williamson, taken from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who Am I To Be Brilliant, Gorgeous, Talented, Fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Just something to chew on till next time.

Just added a picture of that cake I was talking about, FTW! haha