Sunday, June 27, 2010

#ICan'tDateYouIf

I'm mostly just trying to get back into the swing of writing but still not ready to write things of substance. What you should know is that right now I'm sitting on my living room couch wearing the tank top I wore yesterday and underwear.

My contribution to the world today will be a list of things that make men undateable to me.

Let's do this:

Item A: Owning a Cat. <--Because what that says about you is that you're needy...or lonely...or kind of a wimp.

Item B: You have loads of crazy stories. <--No joke, Mr. Flintstone has this really good older friend who told us over lunch once that his grandmother invented press-on nails. He followed this up by ordering a margarita and then telling us how when he was in his twenties, his then-girlfriend miscarried their baby at 5 weeks pregnant. The baby, aside from being translucent pink and tiny, was a girl who looked just like him. "If the pregnancy had taken, I'd have a daughter your age." This really happened, all while I was just trying to eat some enchiladas. I'm no physician, in fact, I'm an English major because I suck at science and shouldn't be trusted with the responsibility of another's life BUT I'm pretty sure 5 weeks of baby is just a jumble of non-descript cells and not a tiny pink person.

Item C: Inexplicable Neediness <-- I don't want to text back and forth all day and sending me texts of question marks after I fail to respond to a text that didn't really warrant a response, ugh, it's not going to make me respond! Initially, if you just want want to hang out too much, that's also going to drive me crazy. Let me tell you, the two craziest, worst boyfriends I had were also the neediest. So to me, that says there's a pattern. A pattern of needy=crazy.

Item D: Poor Appetite<--if you take me to dinner & you don't clean your plate, ugh, I can't even explain why I hate this. It makes me feel like you're a wimp. I like a man that can put away some food! I just feel like a large appetite is manlier and it tells me that you're passionate. It's also kinda like metaphorical; you're hungry like ambitious. And ambition definitely makes you dateable.

Item E: Weird Sense of Humor <-- & I don't mean like you laugh at awkward stuff or things that most people don't find funny, I mean if you hardly ever laugh. I laugh at EVERYTHING. Laughing is probably in my top 3 favorite things to do so sense of humor is super important to me.  But I'm also turned off by men who laugh when people get hurt. I don't know, that's just mean.

Item F: Apathy <-- YOU HAVE TO CARE ABOUT SOMETHING!!! I almost don't even care what, but I just need to see from time to time that there's a sweet man in there somewhere. There was this time where Mr. Flintstone and I went to this arcade kinda place on a double date & while we're there he's playing all theses games trying to wrack up tickets. So I'm thinking he's going to try to exchange them for something later, but as we left, he walks up to this cute Asian kid and gives him all his tickets. Mr. Flintstone has never been so attractive to me fully dressed as he was at that moment.

Item G: Not being a G. <-- haha, okay, that was a little bit of a joke. I was trying to make a pun!!! I don't mean literally a gangster, I mean I need someone who is a MAN. I need someone who I can get into trouble with, because I will. I want to be with someone who makes me feel safe. There's a fine line between being apathetic and overly empathetic--both make you undateable but walking that grey area is so attractive. I'm going to be honest--men who cry A LOT gets no love.

Physical Unforgivables

Item H: Patchy body hair/excessive body hair.
Item I: Inexplicable body sores/warts/postules.
Item J: Hip Hop regalia from the early 2000s (ie braids, grills/gold teeth, too much jewelry, being too matchy-matchy, eyebrows with designs, etc) In other words, Riff Raff from MTv's G's to Gents project would be a whole mess of undateable.


& while we're all still staring in disgust/amazement at Riff Raff's mix-tape album cover, I'd like to bring up another physical unforgiveable;
Item K: Stupid Tattoos<-- I love tattoos! I have 5! But I'm honestly concerned because I feel like people now tend to just get whatever. If you're going to have something on your body, please please please let it be something meaningful. True Story: I once dated a guy and he had this tattoo on his right shoulder. It was a halo and a set on angel wings with the words "RIP Family" between the wings. I asked him, "Did a lot of people in your family pass away?" & he says, "No, actually, no one's died yet. But eventually they will." At least he was thinking ahead! The same guy had two different cell phones from two different networks in an effort to save money.  One was a blue, old school nokia--> like so old school it only played those ringtones completely composed of sounds the keys on your phone make, and the other was a red blackberry. Concluding his explanation of the two phones he says, "and this one's red and this one's blue so I don't get them mixed up."

Which reminds me, getting back to the regular list,

Item L: Stupidity<-- I'm not talking about being uneducated (although, being a college graduate IS SO SUPER ATTRACTIVE to me) just being stupid. There is a BIG difference between being uneducated and being stupid; the guy I just mentioned was an ENGINEERING MAJOR, with like a 3.0--> and STILL an IDIOT. Being educated DOES NOT make you smart (although, it does show me that you have ambition; again, Very sexy). Dummies, I can't deal with them. They get on my nerves like no other!

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm picky, but I honestly do have STANDARDS. & I don't even think I'm asking for a lot!

3 comments:

  1. Hahahaha this is fantastic. I'm pretty sure who you're describing is every girl's dream guy. If you find him, be sure to let me know if he has a brother!

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  2. Lexa, I tried to comment on your last post at cardiac outbursts-- it thought it was really clever! I am such a monster for that one week every month. haha

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  3. omg...seriously... RIP Family?! LOL.. I literally laughed for about 2 minutes straight!!!

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