Friday, July 16, 2010

Salamander Love

He was lanky, skrawny at best. He had terribly crooked, discolored teeth and was covered in excessive but patchy body hair. It was mid-way through the semester before I realized we were in the same art class. Actually, I only noticed he was in my class the day I showed up early and walked in on his girlfriend and him eating chipotle burritos on the architect tables together.

His girlfriend was morbidly obese and swarthy. She was possibly an Albino and her frizzy-fried, ghost-white hair was always pulled back into a messy pony-tail. When I came to class that day, she looked up from her half-eaten burrito and smiled at me; her teeth were full of black bean skins.

As the beginning of class neared, the two stood up and walked to the door. He kissed her on the lips and slapped her ass as he pulled away from her embrace. "Thanks for bringing me dinner, babe. See you at home."

"Love you," she said.

"Love you, too."

"That's sweet that your girlfriend brings you dinner," I glanced up at the clock hanging above the projector screen and thought about how scheduling a class this late in the day really conflicted with my eating schedule...maybe I could run out and grab a bag of cheez-its before class started.

"Actually, she's my wife. We've been married for 2 years."

It had never occured to me before that moment that unattractive people fell in love. I'm not sure if, at that time, I could even understand how they would even fall in love.

And I think I felt sorry for them.

Save a few rare occurences where the nerdy high school student somehow lands the head cheerleader (or other similar variations) tv and movies have not prepared us for the reality that all kinds of people fall in love. To a degree, I think I believed being good-looking was a pre-requisite to finding a mate and that a rational relationship existed between a person's degree of hotness and their respective chances of finding someone to love them.

I have since reconsidered and have come to this conclusion:
we should all be ugly...or blind.

It works for the Texas blind salamander, and cicadas.
I bet the peacocks and lions are never so satisfied in their relationships as those fucking salamanders.

"Say guh, what yo' name is? I don't even care that you're a shrimp!"

And people--I definitely think we enter into relationships based completely off of physical attraction and STAY in them. I'm not saying my next guy after Flintstone is going to be a total uggo, but I am saying...I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm shallow.

Okay, what I'm saying is the way they fell in love was not based off of mutual attraction. They fell in love after getting to know each other. After time spent making each other laugh and being fascinated by one another. They fell in love after realizing that nothing outside could ever be as beautiful as the people they found within eachother.

Wow, how dramatic was that?

Well anyway, my last week of class at A&M, I saw them. I'd been up all night studying and was walking to an 8 am final, as I passed the library there they were. They were sitting on the steps together, laughing and drinking coffee. He was holding her hand and drew it in towards his mouth, planting one sweet kiss on the back of her palm.

I looked at the clock on my cell phone and thought about how I could really have gone for a nice cup of black coffee with sugar.

The first time I saw them, I felt sorry for them. Now I just feel sorry for every one else.

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