Monday, September 13, 2010

Times When Sharing Sucks

"Sharing is caring."
Or so they'll have you believe.

But you know as well as I know that sharing is NOT always caring. In fact, sometimes sharing is the $10 hooker who slips you a rufie and then steals your liver.--> You wake up in a tub full of ice with stiches made of fishing line and a post-it note directing you to call 911. & worst of all, you will never get your $10 back.
What am I saying?

I'm not really sure.

The bottom line is, sharing is sometimes crap.
But I won't go into another analogy.

Instead, I'd like to give you this list of situations where sharing CLEARLY sucks, so that you can avoid them. I'd like to think of this as a gift--the gift of knowledge. Reader, I am sharing my valuable wisdom with you today.  Do you know why?
Because it's my 50th blog post. Rejoice!
For those of you who've been here from the beginning and those just starting to read me, I'd like to say this:
THANK YOU. YOU'RE MY FRIENDS AND I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT.


Sharing public bathrooms with your best friend when you're drunk is ALWAYS fun...
unless one of you has to poop. Then it's weird.

Anyway, the next time you're in one of the following situations, I hope you benefit from my words.

Sharing sucks when you're sharing:

A.) The place where you live. Living with another person is a wild-card. One time, one of my sorority sisters was living with me for the summer and I came home from class to find her naked in my study on the computer. I didn't know how to react so I just didn't. I've only had a couple of roommates in the past and one live in boyfriend. But it's safe to say I will avoid cohabitating until I'm married; even after then, if possible. I'd be the most content if I could live in my family's basement with my husband and kids on the upper level. Kid's visitation rights to my she-bat cave will be strictly limited and my husband will be on a sleep-over only basis. I hate living with other people. [Note: my brother & I's living situation is going really well, though. I'm surprised at how much I don't dislike living with him.]
       1.Bathrooms: People do the weirdest things in their bathrooms because they're alone. Masterbating, for example; most guys do it in the shower or in front of their computer. Girls tend to leave makeup all over the counter tops or girl stuff in the trash can--sometimes for too long. My oldest brother's kids do this weird thing where they put their dirty toilet paper in the trash instead of flushing it--creeps me the fuck out. & then there's the inexplicable; every bathroom sink Mr. Flintstone has ever had since we've been together gets coated in a thick layer of gunk that causes it to drain slowly. I'm pretty sure the gunk's main components are hair gel, tooth paste & spit, & dog hair.
       2. Bedrooms: Your bedroom is your sanctuary. In my case, usually a dirty one. Not exactly on purpose but I have a terrible way of leaving books lying all over the floor and Shakespeare has a bad habit of dragging my dirty draws out of the laundry hamper and chewing on them in the middle of my room. Things can get awkward when company is over. The weirdest part of sharing a bedroom is having to share your bed.
                  2i. Beds: Sharing a bed is weird. Even if you like the person. My first serious boyfriend, who I lived with, used to sweat profusely in his sleep and pull the sheets off the mattress. It was weird and I had to buy new pillows because he left sweat stains in my old ones. Some people fart in their sleep <--me. But also, sharing the bed = less room for you. When I stay over at Mr. Flintstone's we somehow manage to squeeze me, him, his dog, and my dog onto one twin size bed. I'm not going to lie, his dog, Jazzy, usually punks me out of my spot and I wake up breathing into the wall, having balanced myself on the last two inches of the bed and the nook between the mattress and the wall all night. Do I love sleeping beside him? YES. Do I also love having room to stretch my arms/escape if need be? Also Yes.
       3. Kitchens: People also do weird things in their kitchens. I had one roommate who would rearrange all my dishes and spices while I was in class. She also used my decorative oven mits to clean out my microwave. Why I have decorative oven mits is besides the point. I also had one roommate who made tacos for her man and stored the unused meat (still in the skillet) in the oven. I assume her plan was to put it away later but later only came 3 weeks later when we couldn't figure out why my house smelled like moldy enchuritos. We found the skillet still in the oven, but where the ground beef used to be was now replaced by grey meat jello.
        4. Bills: see letter D, Expenses.
B.) Desserts or Appetizers: You know how sometimes the waitress asks you if you want an appetizer/dessert and you don't want to seem like a fat ass so you look to the person next to you and say, "Wanna share?" but what you're really saying is, "Wanna watch me eat an entire brownie sundae/plate of mozzarella sticks and take part of the responsibility so I can avoid judgment?" & then the appetizer/dessert comes and you do share and you feel glad you shared but then it comes down to the critical point: the last bite.
I'd like to call this awkward encounter the last bite dance, since you & the person you're sharing with are both dancing around the fact that each of you wants that last bite for yourself but doesn't want to be impolite. The following dialogue usually ensues:
You: Go ahead, eat it. I saved it for you.
Them: No, I already ate my half. You eat it.
You: But I'm already full so if you don't eat it, it's just going to get thrown away. Go for it.
Them: I know you want it, just take it.
You: I really don't.
But you do. You want it so bad you almost resent them. Sometimes, you luck out & the other person doesn't really want the last bite; then EVERYBODY wins. For example, my new friend Keith and I were having lunch in the school cafeteria. Keith got barbecue and cherry cobbler. I got pasta. When we were about to leave, I noticed Keith had not eaten his cobbler & didn't plan to. Score for me: I made a new friend and got cherry cobbler fo' FREE! It was a good day.
Mr. Flintstone & I's thing is baking cookies: the pillsbury ones that are already separated out into little squares & all you have to do is put them on a pan and bake them. --> I know he cares because he always leaves me the last cookie. :)

C.) Party nights: It sucks when you want your friend to come out with you but they are totally broke. Going out & covering just your expenses can be pretty pricey but then it's magnified when your friend is tagging along & everything you buy for yourself, you also have to buy for them. Then you have less of a good time because everytime you pull out money to pay cover or head to the bar for a shot, you have to mentally calculate how much is in your wallet and subtract whatever you were planning to spend and then multiply by two. This situation can cause resentment in even the sweetest of temperaments, but I was always especially aggravated by the math involved: I was a creative writing major, dammit. First you're pissing away all my funds & then I have to do math? You pretty much just inadvertantly screwed up my night.

D.) Expenses: Bills, Gas money, Etc. In Hamlet, Shakespeare wrote something to the affect of, "Never a lender nor a borrower be." You know why? Because money tears people apart. I've never really had anyone owe me money, but with respect to gas, I can pretty much say never give anyone a ride if you're depending on them to reimburse you. People forget about gas expenses like it's nothing; even if they told you they'd help you out on the gas. Only give rides to people you love (that's what she said) & you won't mind the gas thing.

E.) Clothes, Personal Items: Never loan out anything you're really attached to. I once loaned a cocktail dress to a really, really good friend several years ago & still haven't gotten it back. Someone out there still has my white go-go boots that I lent them one Halloween. I can't even count all the dishes and cookware of mine that are out there floating around. & the thing is, the borrower usually has the BEST intentions of returning your stuff but it's inconvenient for them to bring it back and you don't want to make a big deal about it and come off as up-tight so you just hang out & voila; your shit has just been adversly possessed. (Yeah, that was a legal term from property class--be impressed).

F.) Jail. I can speak about this one first hand. Trust me, you don't want to share stuff in jail-->because you never know. On the other hand, sharing in jail is a surefire way not to get beat down.
For example:
  • always get lunch, even if you're not hungry. Your cellmates might want to hoard your uneaten bread to make a sandwich later.
  • When you post bail, always leave behind your toilet paper for someone in need.
  • The rubber from your shoes; you can share this with your cell mates when they want to do their eyebrows, clean under their nails or if they need to stick something under the table to make it stop wobbling.
  • Toothpaste: can be used like glue to hang things on the wall. Also good for brushing teeth; also leave this behind when you post bail.
  • Things you should NOT share: your tooth brush, soap, wash clothe, cup, bedding, undergarments,or hair brush.

4 comments:

  1. First off, congrats on the 50th post. I love reading your blog.
    Secondly, love the Hamlet reference.
    And thirdly, sharing living space sucks. I don't know how I'll ever be successfully married.

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  2. I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants!! What's with the rubber for eyebrows thing? Please do explain!

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  3. @Penguin sistah (flor?) haha, idk how any one discovered this but I know one of my cellmates woke up from a nap, ripped a piece of rubber off the sole of her shoe, handed it to another cellmate & said "do my eyebrows for me." the girl just folded the rubber in half and used the open ends like tweezers...

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