Thursday, December 30, 2010

I don't have time to blog, it's almost a new year

That statement made in the title is totally FALSE; if anything, I should be blogging MORE because I have nothing better to do. To keep myself occupied, I have even taken up trying to train Shakespeare to walk without a leash. <--That experiment failed miserably today when Shakespeare took off running and stopped behind a truck in reverse. I could see the fear in his face all the tire almost rolled over him & he just sat there looking terrified. I started shouting & waiving my arms & right before Shakespeare was almost run over, I let out the screamiest scream in my life. It was such a horrific sound that a little girl who was just out riding her tricycle actually started crying.
Fortunately, though, my scream did alert the truck driver who stopped long enough for me to grab my dog from behind his back tire.

Shakespeare goes back on the leash TODAY.

But anyway, now that heart rate is almost normal, I decided to go to my happy place by writing a post about things I love.
& to make it relevant in the larger scope, I decided it would be 10 things I started loving too late in 2010 that I'm going to continue loving into 2011. Or something.

1.) Banksy
I recently saw Exit through the Gift Shop & have so much respect for the guerilla artist, his bravery, and his work. Ever since I saw the movie, I've been bringing Banksy up pretty much non-stop.

2.) Sweatpants
My dad bought me my first pair, ever, on Christmas because he was tired of me wearing shorts out in the cold to walk Shakespeare. At first, I was totally against the idea but then I put on them on to humor him & they are the most comfortable thing I've worn. in life. I've worn them everyday since. Please don't judge me.

3.) Shakespeare--I've decided just now that I still love him.

4.) Frozen Yogurt
I used to kind of make fun of people who were really into eating froyo because it just seemed conscious & kind of stupid. But then this place down the block from me is a froyo place and you can put cereal in your yogurt. & then I was like, "Man, this is fucking cool."

5.) Baby Blue
I did not just dislike baby blue; I hated it. That color just reminded me of trailer parks and tacky hip hop clothing from the early 2000s. & now it's one of my favorite decorate with. I'm pretty sure wearing baby blue will never be my thing.

6.) Thrifting
I bought that American made tea set & that old jam jar that I now use as a vase for $4. total. San Antonio is one of the coolest places to thrift in & I even bought a vintage Ralph Lauren bag--the coolest bag, ever--for $18. It's like my favorite thing to do when I've got spare time now, even if I don't buy anything, something about walking around all those pretty relics from the past just gives me a sense of peace. Please try not to judge me.

7.) Cider with Grenadine
I'm not much of a beer drinker; which is unfortunate because the bar across the street from my place--the famed Flying Saucer, only serves beer, wine, and cider. But then I went & chose this drink called Humingbird Water & fell in love. It's cheap & tasty & I think I'm going to make it my thing.

8.) Thick Eyebrows
My eyebrows were pencil thin for the longest & then I decided I'd had enough and let them grow out. I didn't even pluck the stray hairs because for about a month, I wasn't sure exactly how thick I wanted them. It got so bad, my dad came over one afternoon & said, "Baby, are you out of money? Why don't I take you to a nice salon tomorrow? You can get a massage if you want...maybe get your eyebrows done..." & I explained to him that I did  know my eyebrows were a hot mess & that I wasn't out of money but just letting them grow out. I even had to make a public service announcement on facebook so my friends would stop offering to do them for me.

9.) Raymin, my brother;
That was us at an ugly sweater Christmas party--didn't we do such a good job? haha.
Let's get something straight; I've ALWAYS loved my big brother just not as much. There's a seven year age difference between us & we didn't really know each other well until we moved in together this year. We've gotten to know each other so much better & it's really nice. Because I'm always sitting on hard surfaces while I study--and I spend a lot of time studying--my ass perpetually hurts. Trust me, that's the only reason; I'm a front door only kind of girl. But I digress, so for Christmas, my brother got me a Moroccan pillow seat so that even when I have to sit on the floor, my butt won't hurt. He also got me some other really cool stuff & I was like, "Not only is he thoughtful, he knows me so well."

10.) fast food apple pies
Umm, yeah. I really had never had one until Mr. Flintstone went and picked up tacobell for us & brought me back an apple empanada-->those things are scrumptious. But anyway, the point is I love them.

Wow, this list totally wrote itself!
Anyway, I hope you all have an amazing new year's eve & that 2011 is an even better year for you guys. Before I go, I'm forgetting one more thing:

11.) YOU
Thank you for reading & supporting & laughing & sharing your stories with me, as well. You guys are everything I dreamt of & then some. :) & I love you, dammit.
 like a lot.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It Ain't Perfect But...

it IS the holidays.

In my family, it's not the holidays unless someone is sobbing and pointing their finger while shouting, "you're such an ungrateful child/husband/cat."
-->usually, that someone is my mom.
& then the rest of us usually sit with blank expressions on the opposite side of the room and silently wonder how it came to this when the last thing anyone said was, "wow, these are great yams."

It's an understatement when I say my mom doesn't handle the holidays very well.
Like at all.
She's got a really fragile nervous system.

But today, being with my dad & brother (& even a little time with mr. flintstone), I realized that even without the big to-do, the big feast, & without all the Christmas decorations, Christmas was just as wonderful.

I felt reassured after watching people on tv talk about their disfunctional families & listening to people I know tell their stories. It made me feel like resentment & animosity are just another ingredient in the magical recipe that is the family get together.

& as today wore on & my dad left for bed, my brother and I sat and talked and I realized how fortunate I am to be his sister & how cool it is that we've gotten to know each other so much better in the last few months than we have our whole lives.

It ain't perfect but it is the holidays.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Broken Up About It

I'm not going to be all Emo & stuff because I totally don't believe in that.
& also, that's the behavior of a 22 year old & I'm 23 & 1/2 now, okay?
{Because at 22, being sad & vengeful over the internet was totally my thing. I invented the angry break up facebook status; but you know, it just wasn't a good color on me.}
I'm not going to lie though: I am sad.

& it's the weirdest stuff because most of the time, I'm cool.
But then like, it'll be the tiniest, most obscure thing that triggers a memory and it hurts for a minute.

There have been moments the last few days where I just want to rent Eat, Pray, Love and weep into my box of chocolates & then everytime Julia Roberts says something inspiring, I'll point a chocolatey finger at the screen and say, "That's right, Julia. You go, girl."
I totally want to be pathetic and spend some time over analyzing it all.
-->I'm dying to over analyze the shit out of us& it & all the dynamics of it all.

Instead, I'm just going to repost something I read that was spot on.

"Maybe--though I do not bleed--I am wounded,
along one of the rays of your life.
In the middle of the jungle the water stops me,
the rain that falls with its sky.

Then I touch the heart that fell, raining:
there I know it was your eyes
that pierced me, into my grief's vast hinterlands.
And only a shadow's whisper appears,

Who is it? Who is it?, but it has no name,
the leaf of dark water that patters
in the middle of the jungle, deaf along the paths:

so, my love, I knew that I was wounded,
and no one spoke there except the shadows,
the wandering night, the kiss of the rain."
--LXX, P. Neruda

& also, I'm going to recommend the following soundtrack:

Not because I'm depressed or anything but because it just generally is amazing.

I'm only 23 & I don't even know what's going to happen to me in the next 5 minutes so I'm not doubting my own resilience or anything, I'm just saying that right now I'm a little sad.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Facebook Ruins Lives

I mean maybe not really, really.

My best friend's boyfriend posted today that he cheated on an exam. He was probably joking.

But anyway, another of our friends commented, "Your teacher is looking at your facebook right now."

& I laughed before remembering the many times I've found myself in a similar situation.
Be prepared, a list of memories is about to ensue:

Most Recent:
I met a guy at the club. He was in VIP & he was tall & handsome & athletic looking & carrying around a bottle of Grey Goose. (& I'm going to be honest, I thought he was in the NBA. But anyway)
He asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no.
He asked for my number, I gave it to him.
& then I was like, "So how old are you?"
& he's like, "I'm 20."
& I was like. "Oh." Because I'm 23 & I'm kind of too old to date a 20 year old but not like old enough that it's cool or trendy. I'm too young to be a cougar.
But I'd just given this guy my number so I had to find something good about him.
So I asked, "What do you do?"
& he's like, "I'm a promoter for this club."
& I'm like, "Oh. Cool. So do you go to school out here?"
& he's like, "No. I'm an R&B singer. What do you do?"
& I was like, "I go to law school. {& then I awkwardly sipped my drink} Well, it was cool meeting you. I've got to go; I cut my foot & my shoe's filling up with blood." <--& yes, I did steal that from Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion.

So like the guy texts me a little while later & I don't even remember what it said but I know he spelled the as "da."
Readers, I can't put into words how much I hate when people purposely write in ebonics & aren't being sarcastic or ironic. It just makes no sense to me that anyone would go out of their way to seem illiterate. Ick.
But anyway, so I decided right then that this just wasn't going to work.
& here's the stupid part.
I facebooked about it. I changed my status to something like,
"you can tell a lot about a person from their texts; potential mates get cut for spelling the as da."
& I felt so clever and sassy...& THEN THE GUY FOUND ME.
so like he texts me in the morning & is like, "Oh, so you're a smart girl, huh?"
& I was like, "I wouldn't necessarily say that. Why?"
& he's like, "I'm just looking at your facebook."

There was another time my final semester at A&M when I had to switch into an art class after the semester had already began.
& then like, the day I was supposed to start going to that art class I didn't go.
Not only did I not go; I facebooked about it.
My status that day was something to the tune of: Lauren just decided to skip class today.
& then my professor found me on facebook & asked if I was planning to skip the next class day too.

My mom tried to add me on facebook but I ignored her & pretended like I never recieved her friend request.
My brother didn't ignore her request though, & in honor of his new facebook friendship with our mother, he changed his facebook status to read,
"When I say my testicles resemble a sack of potatoes I mean it as a good thing."

Our mommy must be SO proud.

Anyway, I think the moral of this story is either not to post things on facebook that may make you look like an ass OR that I should update my privacy settings...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Is it me or do people my age remember a time when cartoon characters didn't die?
Like I remember cartoons that completely revolved around how one or more characters refused to die all the time. For example, Tom & Jerry or The Roadrunner & Coyote cartoons.

I grew up making fun of my mom because it seemed like EVERY movie we watched made her cry. Sometimes I would roll my eyes and leave the room.

But then like, Disney characters started dying all over the place.
Maybe it was always that way & I just never noticed.
Mufasa died.

I was trying to prove to my dad that the movie UP isn't really for kids and started weeping 5 minutes in.
It gets me everytime.

I worry that I'm becoming my mother.
Next thing you know I'll be wearing lime green sweat pants to Wal-Mart and acting senile at restaurants.
True Story: my mom LOVES this one Italian restaurant in my home town & everytime I visit she wants to go there. She always, always, always orders a calzone.
The last time we went, she spent 10 minutes bugging our waitress about what exactly comes in the calzone.
The waitress is all, "Eez sauce and hone toppeeng. And eextra toppeengs are for a dollarrr." (She's got a heavy Italian accent. That might actually be all the English she knows.)
& my mom's like, "so it doesn't come with cheese? Okay then I'd like the soup. What kind do you have?"
& the waitress is like, "ehh soup? tonight eez squashes."
& my mom's like, "Oh I don't want squash soup. Let me get the calzone. But I don't just want sauce & a topping if there's no cheese. No, no. Let me get a cup of soup. I really don't like squash soup."
& our poor waitress is standing there all confused & I was like, "Mom, we've been coming here for over 8 years and you ALWAYS get the calzone. You know it comes with cheese. Stop being crazy & just order a pepperoni calzone."

That was a long story within a story.
But anyway.
So like awhile back, Mr. Flintstone & I went to see Toy Story 3.
Needless to say, I was freaking out the four year old kid sitting next to me as I sobbed into my pop corn.
Why was I crying into the pop corn?
Because I didn't want Mr. Flintstone to know I was losing my mind.

So I came out of the theatre with a greasy, salty face, puffy eyes & a runny nose & Mr. Flintstone is trying not to look directly at me so that neither of us have to acknowledge how much of a dork I am & he's like,
"Did you like the movie?"
& I'm like, "*sniffle, sniffle* It was okay."

Monday, December 13, 2010

That's Cool

A little over a year ago, I met this really cool guy named Smoochie.
He was in the same writers' workshop class that I was in & he was a riot.
Hands down, one of the coolest people I've ever known.

He was really screwed up about girls but it was cool because he let every girl know upfront what they were walking into. & at the time, I was madly in love with Mr. Flintstone but we just couldn't keep it together.
(As a side note, that one line is pretty much the entire dynamic of Mr.Flintstone & I summed up for as far back as I can remember. Anyway) Sometimes after class, Smoochie and I would go get pancakes and talk about our disfunctional relationships for hours.

He threw this party once and decorated an entire wall of his living room with pictures from Victoria's Secret catalogues. Seriously, this guy was cool.

Anyway, last summer Smoochie went away to film school because he's super talented.
& I wrote on his facebook wall:
There's something different about Texas since you've gone; it's mostly the same as how you left it except now there's this un-fill-able void created by your absence. the sunshine is duller, the wind less fragrant. i've had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. i guess what i'm trying to say is i miss you with every breath i take...

& Smoochie wrote back, "That's cool."

& I couldn't stop laughing.
But then a little while later he wrote:
hahahahaha I wanted to just leave it as that, cause it makes you seem like a huge CREEPO but it would just be too wrong lol but for your sake....There's no day here without you, only night, everything that tasted sweet once, now seems to have gone bitter, and emotions themselves feel worthless without you to share them with. I carved Heinemann into my chest.

{Larry Heinemann is the name of our creative writing workshop professor. He is seriously THE coolest & most inspiring & most talented man I've ever met in person.}

& I wrote back:
Wow, that was really profound.
I can't stop laughing.

And so like yeah.
That's my post about my friendship with Smoochie.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Have your cake and eat it, too

Once upon a time, I was a very naive sophomore in college & my parents allowed me to live alone in a house.
Naturally, I threw a big stupid party for my birthday.
& I threw it over the summer.

For a smallish community like college station, that means that because there's nothing else to do, everyone who is in town will be attending.

It was the first and LAST party I ever threw.
It was a disaster.

The worst part was when I walked into my kitchen and noticed that someone had dumped my whole birthday cake into my fish tank...and killed my fish.

I didn't even get a piece of that cake before it was used to clog up my poor fish's gills. The bastards.

I was devastated.
Readers, I'm not really good at keeping things alive, per se.
Growing up, my parents wouldn't even let me have the baby dolls that pee and poop after you feed them because they thought it was too much of a responsibility for me.
Rightly so. In the fifth grade, my parents bought me a Tamagotchi only to find me shouting at it to stop crying at three a.m. a week later.
What I'm trying to say is that I tend to cherish anything that survives my care or lack thereof.
Notably, I've only got Shakespeare and one orchid plant.
& Shakespeare may not count since my mom is actually the one who's responsible when it comes to making sure he's properly vaccinated.
But the orchid plant, that is ALL ME, baby.

I forgot to mention, my fish's name was Trevor. Anyway, so Trevor died.
& I was really sad.
So I kicked everyone out of my place and whimpered pathetically in a corner holding a drinking glass with dead Trevor floating in it while my sorority sisters laughed and tried to calm me down.
Some one else had to flush him down the toilet for me.
It was really pathetic.

After I cleaned out my fish tank, I got really sad looking at it all empty.
So I bought a new betta fish.
His name was Derrick.
or Darren. I forget. It's been so long & he didn't really last.

But I guess I over did it.
Trying to fill the void Trevor left behind, I bought Darren/Derrick
& a mate for him,
& a small albino frog.
Because betta fish are aggressive; you're really not supposed to just have a male betta and a female together--she'll kill him when he tries to mate.
& the pet store guy suggested the frog.

I named the girl fish Beula.
and the frog was Christina.

& then I left for like an hour or two and came home to find that they'd all killed each other.

I wasn't emotionally attached so I flushed them all at the same time by myself.
& I moved my fish tank to the back yard so I wouldn't have to look at it.

I think I'm ready to love again.
It's been four years.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It was THAT bad

I was coming from the library and I didn't even notice Red walking past me.
"That's messed up that you can't even say hi."
I kept my eyes on her while I talked to him, "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm kinda in the middle of something."
"Like what?"
I pulled him off to the side and pointed to a girl sitting alone in the courtyard, "See that girl? I'm going to hit on her right now."
Red was surprised. I don't blame him. It was Monday and just the Friday before I had gone out on a date with him--a terrible, insufferable first date. He was right to suspect that I was avoiding him; our date was THAT bad that I regretted ever going out with a guy from class.
"Yeah. I'm going to go talk to her. Go away."
"I didn't know you were..."
"Well, I guess I thought..."
"Oh, God, I'm not gay. I'm going to hit on her for Scully." <--Scully is a lesbian in our class. On that day in particular, she talked me into attending the Gay Law Student Alliance informational with her. Hoping to see to the girl in the court yard at the meeting, she came to class that Monday all dressed up; usually, she wore tee shirts and basketball shorts. Scully was still waiting for me in the library--I could see her watching me from the windows. I looked over at the girl in the court yard and noticed she was no longer alone. "Dammit, now there's people with her!"
"I've never hit on a girl before."
"I'm sure you'll do fine," Red said. I guess by this point the conversation had started to get weird for him, "I'm going to go now. I've got to study. Good luck with that." And he walked into the library.

Readers, I could tell you all about how I went up to the poor girl and failed miserably.
I could tell you how I told her she was pretty and then apologized for being awkward and then rambled about the meeting and asked if she was going.
I could even tell you how her friends laughed at me.

But I won't. It still hurts. She shut me down; she wasn't having it, & if she had any previous plans of going to the meeting, it's entirely possible and even likely that she didn't go JUST to avoid me.
It was THAT bad.

Needless to say, there are a few older students at my school who think I'm a super lame, no game having Lesbian.

This post sucks.
I'm really sorry.
You've no idea how many posts I've started the last few weeks and then abandoned because they're no good. Hopefully more interesting ideas/memories/things & stuff will come to me over the break.
I'm working on it.
For the mean time, this one is just to get back into the swing of posting.