Monday, May 23, 2011

TMFFS: Pacman

On May 7, in the wake of Manny Pacquiao's boxing win over Sugar Shane (which I just LOVE calling him because it alliterates!) Mosley, one of my friends posted:

Filipinos stand up...Let's go Pacman!

To which, our infamous mutual facebook friend, Pruscilla, responded:

Lol, so filipinos like invented that?

(& then she liked her own question.)

Our friend who posted the status, Mark, never responded.

My thoughts on this are: it's amazing the embarrassing situations that can be avoided if only we learn to google before we speak/post. I'm relatively certain that referring to google prior, at the least, would have proven that PacMan was invented by the Japanese...

Saturday, May 21, 2011

scenes from the river, pt 1

I've been meaning to blog about the fab4 trip to the river immediately following our last final exam.
The only problem is: I don't necessarily remember all of it.

If you factor together the fact that I had slept a total of 3 hours in 2 days, had an empty stomach, and a full bottle of adult beverage (plus my fair share of Fatty's jello shot bags), it's pretty easy to understand why this trip was so memorable...though I can't remember it.

I overdid it.
like A LOT.

So, since I can't post one continuous story, & since I'm convinced my way will be more fun (& also because I am determined to post things besides TMFFS), I'm going to post bits & pieces in no particular order.


Scene: gas station in New Braunfels.

Me: *lifts head from seat* Where are we?
Gaga: We're at a gas station. Fatty's buying a coke. Want me to grab you anything?
Me: I want to sit in the back. I'm so tired.
Gaga: You should move back there.
Me: I think I'm too sick to move.
Gaga: I'll help you, come on. *Pulls me out of car*
Me: *gaaaaaag*
Gaga: *laughing*
Fatty: *comes out of gas station & approaches car* Eww, why are there strawberries in your throw up?
Me: ...Strawberries?
Gaga: Those aren't strawberries, it's just globs of jello.
Me: Gaga, you're going to hate me, but I threw up on your foot...and my feet.
Fatty: Here, rinse yourselves off. *hands over water bottles*
Me: I'm so sorry, Gaga. *rinsing off his feet*
Gaga: *laughing* It's okay, it's like we've come full circle.
Fatty: I peed on you at the the river.
Me: that seems wrong... like you peed on me?
Fatty: well I peed right next to you in the river & you didn't move.
Me: ...Why didn't you say anything?
Fatty: I told you & you just sat there & Gaga even tried to move you!
Gaga: It's true, I totally tried to pick you up & you said, "no, leave me here. I like it."
Me: liars. & that's not even a circle.
Fatty: ...what?
Me: Gaga said it's a full circle because you peed on me & I threw up on him. But it's only a full circle if he swaps fluids with you now.
Fatty: hmm... (to Gaga) well maybe you can spit on me later.
Gaga:...yeah, later. But first, *bends me over*
Me: *flirtatious giggle*
Gaga: & now open your mouth.
Me: *obliges*
Gaga: *pull outs camera, camera flashes* haha, this picture looks like you're throwing up! It's like I caught you in the moment! So funny!
Fatty: Oooh! Let me see! *laughs* Good one, Gaga!
Me: ugh...*crawls into back seat* When are we leaving??? We've been here for hours!
Gaga & Fatty:... *exchange looks*
Fatty: Yeah, why are we still here?
Gaga:... I don't know. I guess we can go now...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

TMFFS: Only on the East Side

Ray (yes, my brother & facebook friend, who INSISTS on eating garlic, though he's allergic to it, because it's delicious): The way my body reacts to eating garlic makes me think I may actually be count Dracula. Time to start lightening my skin and grow out a widows peak.

Steve: thought you would be more of a count Chocula

Smith: Only when he's on the East side, Steve.

Carol: widows peak, hottness!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Men I've Loved

I've already previously mentioned that the first crush I can ever recall having was on Hulk Hogan.

While watching Son-in-Law last week, it dawned on me that at one point, I was madly in love with Pauly Shore.
...Did I ever really get over him? I can't say for sure. All I know for certain is that as I near 24, I find that more than a crush, Pauly Shore is an inspiration to be charismatic, funny, and eccentric.
But before I get way off track, this post is about all the many famous men I've loved in my life.
The list sometimes frightens me but I'm finally ready to share it with the world.

Age 7: Hulk Hogan
           Will Smith

                   Aladdin AND Genie

                  & also, Batman

Ages 8-12: Pauly Shore
                  Data from the Goonies, played by Jonathan Ke Quan

Age 13: Freddie Prinze Jr.

              Ricky Martin --I refuse to put up a picture; it's too painful.
              Bill Clinton

Ages 15- 17: Prince William

Age 18: Kanye West

Ages 19-21: I went through an "intellectual phase" where I crushed on A LOT of dead guys.

                    John Lennon
                John F. Kennedy, Jr AND Senior

               Pablo Neruda

              William Shakespeare My living list in these years included
               Tim Burton
             All of my professors who had English or Australian accents.
             & Johnny Depp

Banksy--the man behind the mask may very well be my soul mate.

Heath Ledger

Robert Downey, Jr

This post was really photo heavy: to be honest, nothing really crazy has happened yet to blog about except my trip to the river immediately after finals & I don't remember any of that well enough to write about it just yet. A blog post will follow as soon as I've got all the bits and pieces collected & permission from Fatty & Gaga.
Mostly, I wrote this post so I can feel less guilty about posting another TMFFS. & I'm not even talking about yesterday's.
That's right, friends, I've got an entirely new one that hasn't even been published. I bet you're disappointed  excited. :)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

TMFFS: Admiral BarAckbar

These posts are practically writing themselves! That's right, dears, it's time for ANOTHER segment of Things My facebook friends say!!! (Which will now be shortened to fit in the title box as TMFFS so I can post it in the title & can stop announcing that it's a TMFFS post--see? It's already useful!!!)
After Bin Laden's death this month, facebook was on fire with celebratory statuses.
The ones that weirded me out were ones expressing elation that Bin Laden was dead.
(I don't know, celebrating the death of ANY human just seems wrong.)
The ones I agreed with were those celebrating American unity and spirit.
& the ones that upset me and made me log off facebook for a day were the ones that came just shortly after that focused on the negative.
It seemed like the same people who just a few hours earlier were posting things like, "God Bless our Troops" & "I love my country," were some of the people posting, "Oh great, so now the Democrats can stay in office? Republicans Rock!" or "This was Bush's plan all along, Obama shouldn't get the credit!"
Or the very unrelated, "So when are gas prices going to decrease?"

In the midst of all this, one of my facebook friends (who really is a friend in the sense that I read his blog and respect his intellect and went to high school with him) posted this status:

Let's be clear about this: Admiral Ackbar did NOT destroy the Death Star. A Rebel pilot did. Ackbar just happened to be the one who recognized a trap. This is not an Ackbar victory, but a Rebel victory. Don't let him distract you from the fact that he has never produced an official Mon Calamari birth certificate.

Oh Em Gee: Sarcasm, Wit, AND a Star Wars reference all in one status?!? My head almost exploded with joy.

So thank you, sir, for the levity.
If you also enjoyed this post, you can see my very talented friend's blog HERE! <--I promise, your mind will explode with cute!

John Wayne Went to Chile

I'm going to admit something very embarrassing about myself.
I know, I know--what else is new?
I know absolutely nothing about geography.
True Story: Once, my freshman year of undergrad, someone I was totally crushing on asked me on a date what country I'd most like to visit. My response? --> AFRICA.
Seriously, what's wrong with me? I'm nearly 24 (this June, God willing) & if someone gave me a map of the United States without the state names filled in, I could probably only fill in maybe 20 States correctly. I don't even know the names of all fifty states.
Two true stories:
(a) I know this for a FACT because I once had to do this in my geology lab my senior year of undergrad--we had to fill in state names on a map & then all the geological oddities of the continental U.S.
(b) I once went on a blind date with a guy who plays for the New Jersey Nets & asked him if he liked Detroit... & he was all, "Sure I like it...I guess. It kind of smells funny. Why?" & then before I blurted out something stupid like, "Because it's the capital of New Jersey," I re-evaluated & realized that Detroit is in Michigan & it's not even Michigan's capital (which I totally didn't know until just now but I googled it to be sure).

The other embarrassing thing about me is that I was completely disengaged with reality while in law school this past year. The following picture adequately describes my involvement in the world for the past nine months:
"What? Mariah Carey was pregnant AND had twins?!?"

& every once in a while, I'd pull my long ostrich neck out of the sand to watch Archer or Walking Dead.

Case in point, & the real story behind this post, is this past October when my brother and dad were watching tv and making a fuss over some story on the news. I looked up from my text book;

Me: what's going on?
My dad: They rescued all the miners.
Me: Minors?
My dad: in he who works in a mine.
My brother: Like the dwarves from Snow White, Lauren.
Me: Yes thanks, I know what a miner is. Rescued them from what?


My dad: Lauren, they've been down there for months.
Me: What?
My dad: In Chile. They were trapped. The whole world has been working on a plan to rescue them.

& I started watching the story with my family. A few minutes later, the camera panned out into the crowd of enthusiastic people waving Chilean flags.
Me: Why are they waving Texas flags?

My dad: *laughs*
My brother: That's the Chile national flag.
Me: Why is it the same as Texas' flag?
My dad: *laughs louder*
My brother: Because one time John Wayne went to Chile and they really liked him.

Me: ...wait. Is that true?
My dad: *pats my head* Aww, it's so cute how stupid you are.
My brother: Can you go to law school if you failed geography?
Me: That wasn't even a class!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Crack is Wack

Ladies & gentleman, it is time for yet another installment of Things my Facebook Friends Say.

A little back ground on this status update,
The young lady who wrote it is from Killeen.

Right off the bat, you might not think that tells you much, but it's probably a key factor to understanding this post.

In summary, Killeen is a suburb of military base, Fort Hood, with a primarily Black American and Immigrant population. White Americans are the minority by far and although nearly everyone is making good money off of the military, if you met the Killeen locals, you're likely to think you've somehow stepped into a magical world where everyone lives in a movie. The movie choices, however, are limited to such favorites as Friday, Lottery Ticket, and Barbershop. ...Really anything Ice Cube ever produced or acted in. Or at least that's how they imagine themselves. The reality of Killeen is a little bit closer to Malibu's Most Wanted.


& it's entirely on purpose. The large majority of Killeen residents look up to these films and try to emulate them in their everyday lives.

The other magical thing about Killeen: it's frozen in time. No one seems to realize that it's not 2005 any more.

So, what I'm saying is that EVERYONE has a grill,
everyone still wears matchy-matchy hip hop ensembles and track suits,
& everyone dreams of being a drug dealer, rapper, or video girl.

(The only way to get out of this stupor is to LEAVE Killeen. For like a long time. Seriously: I left when I was 18 & was 22 before I finally washed all the Killeen off.)

& now that you're in the right mind set, I give you Shiela's status:

Comparing another bitch to me is like comparing crack to dirt weed! #go getta

Whitney Houston once proclaimed that, "Crack is wack."
Based on Shiela's status, I guess reggie is wacker.

If you're the gentleman in this love triangle, it seems to me you're stuck between a rock & a hard place: if you stop taking the crack, you'll break out in cold sweats and imagine that your body is covered in ants, stop doing the reggie, & now you've actually got to come up with money to buy drugs and come up with a better excuse for why you always smell so damn weird.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Let Me Turn On the Serious

I spend the vast majority of time on this blog talking about the obscene, the embarrassing, & genitals.

This post will cover ground on all three but for once, maybe, be a little more serious.

I NEVER get up on a soap box; why? Because it's uncomfortable, because I personally find it futile, because sometimes I'm not sure that I'm the right person to tell anyone anything about anything.  There are VERY few things I know for certain & unless you're asking me about how to make a pb&j on whole grain bread (which, I heard I'm doing wrong from a very fancy restaurant that uses foie gras for a little added panache) I really don't find  myself entitled to deliver an opinion.

Today, I engaged in a twitter war with an old friend.

From her side, our alma mater university was wrong for using student tuition to pay a sex counselor to come and speak at a GLBT seminar about safe sex practices. This counselor used props, she used videos and photos, and Heaven forbid (quite literally as I'm getting to) she talked about anal sex (dun dun dunnn).

From my side, I personally am terrified of anything getting to close to my rectum unless it's on its way out. But, I recognize the reality that many couples, hetero & homo, have anal sex & I think it's important for people to learn about safe sex practices, in general. & yes, for some, it might be important to know how & what to put inside your bottom. & I also feel that inevitably, we all cringe over how our student funds and taxes are allocated.

I'm not saying either of us are right (although, I CLEARLY think I'm right) but somewhere in the midst of our battle of t-wits (battle of wits but on twitter & also any sort of typo there would have been really misfortunate), I realized that the great thing about being an American is the ability for both of us to disagree and for both of us to be able to express ourselves in a public forum.

& I realized that as much as I find the overly-conservative, narrow-minded temperament repugnant, I know that we are entitled to express ourselves (and use government & student funding to do so) by the same rights and protections.

God Bless the Bill of Rights & the First Amendment.

What I know now is that her opinion is beautiful,
Even though I disagree with it from almost every concievable angle,
Because I know that any limits on her speech would limit my own.
& Because I love being able to blog about genitalia and armpit hair.

What's beautiful about it is that in America, we are free to have an opinion and shout it from behind our twitter accounts, facebooks, and blogs.

I also find it worthy of mentioning that somewhere towards the end, she started thumping her Bible at me, & I started waving the Bill of Rights at her... such different perspectives.

But anyway, so yes.
The freedom to express ourselves is powerful & beautiful & in celebration of this glorious right, I have but one thing to say:


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Things my Facebook Friends Say

I often marvel at the things my friends post on facebook.
& FTR, I use the word "friends" loosely because my facebook account is really just a forum where I let 1000+ strangers know what's happening in my life, although I'm certain they don't care about my cheese preferences or how many energy drinks I can consume before spontaneously combusting with rage.
Anyway, so strangers, some people I knew in high school & vaguely know from law school, people I used to sit next to in History of the Theater at A&M.
And then, you know, my handful of real life friends.


What I mean is starting with this post, if one of my facebook friends posts something I think is entertaining, I will be re-posting it here. (& yes, I'll be using FAKE names)
So, without further ado:

Pruscilla: I watching da Maury show & I just thank God I never had a baby cuz if I was prego there would be between 2 guys or one time maybe 3 different guys would've been da father. But thx God 4 always being there 4 me & thank goodness 4 me never getting prego!!!! U've been there 4 me God.
(I also feel it's worth mentioning that the same friend who posted this status, then proceeded to "like" it). **

Cousin & facebook friend of Pruscilla, Jeb, in response: WOW! What personal information you love sharing with people! I tried warning you before...but seriously...nobody needs to know how many people you've been sleeping with at the same time...realize how that makes you sound! and look! once im tellin you this cause your fam!!!..if not id let you burn yourself repeatedly! Also I think its weird also to thank god for not getting pregnant while getting down with multiple guys before marriage?!?! Come on ur really letting me down!

Pruscilla: Sorry bro. But dat's how I feel!!!!

Jeb: Understand how you feel...but some feelings need to be left inside!!!

Pruscilla: Ok. I understand that, but sometimes it just so hard to keep inside!!!! U gotta understand that.

Jeb: Yes i understand that..but everyone has that problem...the difference is that everyone else holds it in! Thats all i have to say with anymore of what you put on facebook! Thanks and have a good day!

Pruscilla:  U 2 bro!!!!

The best part of this post, arguably, is that I get to once again use the picture I made on Paint:

The second best part of these posts: they require almost no work on my part except the ability to copy, paste, and delete.

**I am reposting these statuses EXACTLY as they were published. I am neither embellishing, nor correcting, any grammatical errors or colloquialisms. & I am NOT fabricating statuses I think would be funny and reposting them--that would require work & defeat the purpose of these posts.