Friday, June 3, 2011

How to Survive a Scary Movie

I watch A LOT of creepy stuff & today while watching Human Centipede (SERIOUSLY: DO NOT WATCH IT & DO NOT click that link if you're of weak constitution--it's disgusting) & knowing at the beginning of the movie what was going to happen, I just felt super bad for the protagonists.

In hoping that none of my beautiful readers (or myself) ever become part of a human centipede project, I've thought of just a few key pieces of advice to ensure this catastrophe never happens to you (or me).

1. To borrow a couple from Zombieland: (a) Cardio is important; & (b) Always know your way out.
Being able to outrun your homicidal assailant is directly related to any hope of successful escape. Equally important, & possibly MORE important, is the ability to put analytical skills to use and know where the exits are. It seems as though sociopathic serial killers only ever have doors that can only be unlocked from the inside with a key. Or you know, some have wells in their house where they keep you so they can make sure you're properly moisturized and fattened.
You needn't be a MacGyver, per se, though following his rule & having a roll of duct tape and a swiss army knife on hand at all times IS a good idea, but continuing to brainstorm plans for escape is much better than spending your days in captivity crying and waiting for your imminent and violent death.
& while we're all still staring at the wet, crying girl clutching her bottle of lotion, I think it's important to note that bartering with a sociopath may very well be a phenomenal exit strategy. That girl caught his poodle while she was trapped in a well, okay? Brilliant.

2. Realize that everyday household items can be used as weapons.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. In a "I've been kidnapped by a family of ravenous murderers" sort of situation, your creativity should really be working overtime--your survival may depend on it. So be prepared to use just about anything capable of puncturing, bludgeoning, or whipping as a weapon of surprise attack in a time when your assailant is the most vulnerable.
Particularly useful: heavy lamps, matches/lighters/things capable of producing fire, plastic bags, heavy books, stilletto heels, cooking utensils, glass bottles, tools, rope.
Less useful: pillows, empty boxes, loose-leaf papers, vacuum cleaners.

3. Learn how to be quiet

Running away while screaming is just as effective as whimpering while you hide--neither work and will only ensure that you will be found and killed. & when you really think of it, serial killers move like ninjas. For example, you never hear Michael Myers announcing his presence or crying when he has a booboo. Whether you're trying to escape a pack of zombies or a homicidal freak, silence is a friend you should make.
THE ONLY EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE IS IF YOU'RE IN A PUBLIC SPACE WHERE IT'S LIKELY YOU'LL BE HEARD. & YOU NEVER SHOUT, "HELP! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!" <--because most people don't want to intervene if it's likely they'll also be murdered viciously. Instead, I suggest shouting things that will spark people's attention--for example: "TORNADO!, EARTHQUAKE!, FIRE!" Natural disasters, in general, have a way of peaking the public's interest--especially if their property or person is at risk of being demolished.

4. Respect Personal Space
I am notorious for sticking my hands as close to my friends' faces as possible without actually touching them and just leaving it there for a considerable amount of time, especially if I know they hate that. In scary movies, if you do this or anything similar, YOU WILL DIE.

It seems to me that in a majority of scary movies, the killer/ghost/demon has a sanctum that when violated or disturbed makes them go all ape shit. Or you, know, sometimes there's stuff you shouldn't do. For example, if we were characters in 2002's The Ring,  we wouldn't watch the tape UNLESS we wanted this to happen to us:

If we were in 1973's The Exorcist, we wouldn't play on the mysterious ouija board we found in the basement unless we wanted this to happen to us:
& if we were in The Human Centipede, we wouldn't go wandering through the German forests at night and accidently stumble upon a mad scientist's dwelling unless we wanted our  mouths sewn into eachother's butts. & yes, I'm being serious.

I could play this game all day but I think it's time to move on to the next rule.

Note: Contrary to what some may believe, this rule ALSO applies to: (1) Zombies--as seen on season 1 of Walking Dead, if you don't want to be eaten, seek refuge in the country; (2) Vampires-- avoid bats, castles, and Transylvania; and (3) Werewolves--avoid bipolar friends during full moons.

5. Make sure that effer is DEAD.
(I hope you guys are proud of me by trying to uphold that promise to curse less whenever it was that I made it by not dropping an f bomb there. Although, I've been working on this particular post over a number of days, so it's hard to remember whether I've already done so...

Do you guys know why sequels happen?
Because the protagonist gets lulled into a false sense of security and gets lazy and doesn't make sure the killer/monster/blood sucking plant from outer space is really dead.

No matter HOW cute Audrey II is, Rick Moranis, you still should have dug through the rubble to make sure she was seriously destroyed. If you'd done this, little baby Audrey IIs wouldn't be living in your front yard, now would they?

6. Don't be a hero.
The best type of hero in scary movies are the ones who call the cops. If not because this action results in an arrest, then because the killer is distracted from tearing you to pieces while he works on the police. This rule is pretty selfish, but it's true--being selfish in scary movies is necessary to survival. Once again referencing Human Centipede, one of the characters comes very close to escaping but goes back to save her friend who has been injected with anesthesia. So basically, the character is trying to escape by dragging her friend's dead weight. If we pause for a moment, we realize that the better solution would have been to escape and come back with a FUCKTON of police.
You know what happened to this girl? She got sewed into some Japanese guy's butt & had to eat his poop AND to top it off, her bestfriend got sewed into her and then the Japanese guy and her friend both died. So she was stuck sewn into two dead people.
Sucks, right?  AND the whole thing could have been avoided if she hadn't thought she was capable of quickly dragging a sleeping person through the forest.

7. Don't go into stranger's homes or eat their snacks.
You know why? Because sometimes strangers are really dead old ladies who give you teacups full of blood in your childhood apartment (okay, I KNOW you saw IT, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about). Even in non-scary-movie situations, strangers are known for slipping rufies into people's drinks (okay, I KNOW you saw The Hangover, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about). In all the scary movie watching I've done, I've learned that when a stranger invites you into their home it's (a) a trap; (b) so they can eat you/skin you/sew your face into someone else's rectum; and (c) you will probably die. They will probably achieve b & c by feeding you snacks laced with anesthesia or date rape drugs or blow fish meat. IN THE BEST CASES, strangers who invite you into their homes are really people more concerned about your soul than you are (See Rule 3).
As a rule of thumb, if you're stranded & need a phone, simply ask to borrow a phone rather than go inside. If they say you HAVE to go inside to use their phone, something's probably wrong--RUN (Refer to Rule 1(a)). This rule of thumb also provides a nifty little nexus into my final rule:

8. Have GPS/ A reliable cell phone provider
Travelling period nowadays without either is a MISTAKE.
You'll probably die.
I'm just trying to keep it real, k?

& I think that about wraps it up.
So, now I send you out into the world more survival-capable than you were before you started reading this. Watching all of those scary movies has taken a toll on my delicate psyche, but I do it because I love you guys so much.


1 comment:

  1. How about "if someone tries to rob you, take out a machete and walk towards the robber with a maniacal, homicidal look in your eyes"?
    Never seen it in the movie, but would love to try it in real life