Wednesday, June 8, 2011

TMFFS: Facebook is not my Friend

I've had my suspicions.
Suspicions that facebook was not really my friend but just playing along; secretly out to get me ever since Tommy asked me to dance at homecoming.

Like two tween girls, I confided to facebook.
& like the back-stabbing 14 year old bitch she is, facebook is constantly trying to instigate shit.
The sidebar of "People [I] may know" is always filled with people I've fervently and tenaciously tried to avoid since high school. And yet, there they are everyday.
Facebook nudges me in the ribs each time it comes across one of their profiles:
hey, isn't that the girl who keyed your car?
hey! you used to date that guy when you were 16! remember? you dumped him because he got arrested for trying to develop nude pictures of the 12 year old he was cheating on you with! ha...good times.
...you called that guy the wrong name while you were making out with him. Do you remember? I remember!
Yes, facebook, though I've dedicated much time holding my breath under water, trying to kill off the brain cells harboring those memories, I remember. & why the f*ck do you have to keep bringing it up? Facebook, stop suggesting friends for me, dammit! I didn't like them back then & I'm pretty much still cowering from the memories of when I wanted to the be their friends.

& as if that wasn't bad enough. Facebook had to go & do this:

Facebook has now gone from that regrettful tween years friendship to that horrible bitch I knew at undergrad who pretended to be my friend while secretly out to get me because she saw Andy & I having dinner together at Sizzler: ugh, I HATE your boyfriend! You deserve better! You know what? I have the perfect friend for you--his name's Dominick; he works at the gas n' gulp, has three daughters, and is probably addicted to crack. Definitely a step up for you! You deserve a nice guy.

Facebook, if these kind of exchanges continue, I'm not going to be your friend anymore AND I'll be sending a very nasty email to Mark Zuckerberg.

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