To cut to the chase (because I'm in class right now pretending to listen & don't want to get too wrapped up in an introduction that will make the professor hip to the fact that I'm only here physically) yesterday, I decided to spend too much money on a tattoo.
& though it's really nothing like the photo I took in:
What I left with was a much more realistic hourglass. & I loved both so it's whatever.
I'm not complaining about that.
I would just like to say that my tattoo artist was crazy.
Like I was frightened & uncomfortable.
Like he was borderline psychotic.
Here are some samples of our conversations during the four, yes four, hours that I was his captive:
Artist: Such a little cunt.
Me: ...excuse me?
A: I'm sorry I was just thinking about my ex wife.
M: Wow, it sounds like things between the two of you went really sour.
A: Yeah, I guess you could say that. But she's not the cunt, I was actually talking about her kid.
M: Her kid's a cunt?
A: Yeah her kid's the whole reason we got divorced. Apparently, she had a problem with me disciplining her kid.
M: Women and their kids. Always wanting to protect them from getting beat...
A: So what do you like to do for fun?
M: Umm... I keep a blog?
A: Do you write poems?
A: I wrote a poem once about 10 years ago. It was called, "Dancing with the devil in the moon light."
*recites poem from memory*
You see, it's about how the devil is in all of us. In our darkest corners. He's there. Sometimes I think I feel him more than my own personality or the presence of God.
M: ... *clears throat*
A: So this one time, all of the artists at this other tattoo shop I worked at were talking about girls. & I walked up & was like, "Man, ya'll don't have game. Real game is when you can walk up to a straight up Lesbian and make her nervous. Like have her 'looking around the room for a way out' nervous." & right then, two lesbians came into the shop & I was like "Watch & Learn." So I went up to the one who was the most butch, and started chatting her up, started stroking her arms, her neck. & Sure enough, she got nervous. & I was like, "Hey, don't be so nervous. I don't bite." Except I whispered it in her ear. People think that as you get older, you lose your game. But I'm 42 & I still got it.
M: Nothing quite says manly display of masculinity as the ability to frighten women...especially Lesbians.
A: Man, I love women with short hair.
A: I don't know if any one's ever told you this but you're really very pretty. You've got this glow about you.
Are you sure you're not pregnant?
M: Not possible. But I can say with confidence that the glow is probably just sunburn. I went to the river yesterday.
A: I went through this phase once where I wanted to only have female friends. So dudes would call me and be like, "dude, what are you doing tonight?" & I'd be like, "hey, find some other friends." & then I lied to all the women at my office & told them that everyone was going out to this one bar, when it was really just going to be them & me. & it was so easy. They ALL showed up!
A: I didn't get laid that night, though. But I DID make out with ALL of them. Two in the SAME car.
A: At the SAME time!!!
A: My girlfriend LOVES to go fishing so I was going to take her & my roommate's girlfriend was all, "Where are you guys going?" & I was like, "fishing." & then she was like, "I like to go fishing." & I stopped & thought about it & was like, man I'm 42. I'm too old for this.
M: ...what do you mean?
A: I mean she was obviously throwing me hints that she's down. But I don't think my girl would be down for a threesome & plus I don't need the drama with my roommate.
M: But all she said was that she liked to fish. Maybe she just wanted to go with you guys?
A: pfft. Girls don't like to fish. She was Dee Tee Eff.
A: I think plain Jane is sexy. Not lingerie.
A: ...Do you like to wear lingerie?
M: *under my breath* wow, I'm uncomfortable.
A: I'm sorry I didn't catch that.
M: I said sometimes it can be uncomfortable...