Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Cavernous


Scene: In the living room with my brother & his girlfriend. Girlfriend comes from the kitchen with a popsicle still in its wrapper.

Ray: Is that another tampon?
Girlfriend: It's a popsicle, you ass.
Ray: I'm just asking because the one I found in your bathroom the other day was fucking huge.
Me: haha. What did I miss?
Ray: Kelly's got a cavernous vagina.
Girlfriend: No, shut up. They were regular sized tampons but he didn't know they come in applicators so he was all,
"Why's it so long?"
Ray: *whispers* Cavernous Vagina.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I knew that one!

While at school, a fellow student walked by wearing a fedora, a black and red striped off the shoulder sweater, black jeggings and boots.

Gaga: What just happened?
Me: I know, right? Something just happened.
Fatty: An important person in history just walked by.
Krusts: I can't think of who's outfit that was, though.
Me: Yeah, but it was big.
Fatty: Fedoras are stupid.
Krusts: Wearing fedoras inside is stupid.
Me: Gosh, this is going to bother me all day. Who IS that???

.... moments pass.

All: Freddy Krueger!!!


Me: You guys, I should have known this one! I was playing Freddy Krueger last night on Mortal Kombat & he kept winning...Nazi bastard.
Fatty: ...what?
Me: He's a Mortal Kombat character now.



---
Much later when I was googling images for this post, my brother's girlfriend came into my room.
Girlfriend: ...what are you doing?
Me: umm. Nothing. Hanging out.
Girlfriend: Why is your computer full of Freddy Krueger images?
Me: Oh that. I'm blogging.
Girlfriend: You're so weird.

Monday, August 29, 2011

TMFFS: Keepin' it Real


A status update of a girl I went to high school with:


I hate when someone tells me "You're keep'n it too real? Bitch stfu, ain't no such thang as "keep'n too real.." unless you a fake muh'fucka!


I beg to differ.


In fact, Dave Chappelle had an entire segment on his show, The Dave Chappelle Show for those of who may be inquiring minds, called: When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong. 

Click that link. It's fun.

Anyway, a lot of fun things happen when you bing, "Keep it Real," for instance:


 & It was hard to choose which google image to use. Also, that whole thing up there about bing was bullshit. Let's not be ridiculous.
But in the end, the kittens won based on sheer adorableness and zombie references. 


A Good Excuse

Scene: My brother Ray, myself, Sandy Manchez and Nini, leaving Nini's apartment for a night out on the town. We are dressed appropriately. Nini's dog escapes from her apartment and runs down three flights of stairs. We all lazily stare after him.

Nini: Alfie come back!
Me: ...
Ray: *pulls out a packet of cigarettes*
Nini: ALFIE!!! *looks around at all of us*
Me: Sandy Manchez, go get Alfie!
SM: What?
Me: Take your Filipino ass down stairs and find Alfie!
Nini: ...
Ray: *Pulls out a lighter.*
Me: Go!
SM: *begins reluctantly climbing down the stairs* Why do I have to go by myself?
Nini: *looks at Ray*
Ray: What? I'd go with him but I'm trying to light a cigarette. Have you ever tried to light a cigarette while running?
Nini: ...
Ray: It's damn near impossible.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Rant: The Truth About Boyfriends

I almost NEVER do this. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to complain, but I never come on here to rant.
This is because I know that all five of you beloved readers of mine who come on here regularly do it because you want to read about the ways in which me or the people around me have embarrassed ourselves recently.
& the blog world being a service industry, I want to provide that to you, readers, I really really do. As a matter of fact, it's all I want in life.
So I will try to inject humor into this rant. I really will.
& in the event that this rant wasn't all that funny, I will put an embarrassing truth at the end of this post, just so that it was worth your while. *

I see A LOT of relationship talk on the internet that upsets me.

For example, I hate seeing people make livings by tweeting "secrets to understanding your girlfriend" type content.
Girlfriends are not mythical, elusive creatures: we are people.
You know which three things can basically solve ANY problem you're having with your girlfriend? -- acknowledgment, respect, patience.
ANY ARGUMENT you EVER have with your girlfriend can be resolved under one of those three concepts (probably).

& I think that women need to be a little bit more forgiving and understand that the same notion is relevant to men.
The secret to not being the naggy kind of girlfriend that your boyfriend will come to resent is this: UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS HUMAN.

This comes with many subsections, for example:

A. Your boyfriend likes sex. This means he
1. Watches porn...a lot;
2. Touches himself...a lot;
3. Keeps a mental & ever-expanding list of women and/or objects he would bone;
4. Wants (& likely expects) to have sex with you on a semi-regular basis (when convenient, try to oblige him & always remember that this rule is a two-way street).

B. Your boyfriend, once again, is a PERSON. This means he is not
1. A Pet/Servant--so stop trying to "train" him or saying that he needs to be trained--it makes you look like a total bitch;
2. Your livelihood-- so stop being a gold digger, you slut;
3. The Key Element to Your Happiness-- that is ultimately depressing. If you measure the value of your life or the quality of your life by whether you have boyfriend, you are due for serious disappointment. Basically, your life has to be worth living--single or not, otherwise you are pathetic.
4. A Trophy--showing your guy off is nice but there is such a thing as too much. If you're waving your boyfriend around like an American flag on the fourth of July, I pretty much assume you're the kind of girl mentioned in B(3). So will everyone else (except other B(3) girls)
5. Your twin--so stop pretending to like all the same shit before you smother him so much his eyes pop out of his head.

C. Your boyfriend values his independence. This means
1. He needs time away from you to
(a) watch porn;
(b) touch himself;
(c) talk to his friends about women/objects he would hypothetically bone;
(d) MISS YOU;
(e) use the restroom;
(f) watch sports--because seriously, 80% of the time they don't want us there asking them a bunch of inane questions during the playoffs. THEY HATE THAT.

D. Your boyfriend is a HUMAN. This means
1. He lies (you will have to forgive him at least once);
2. He has an ego (you will have to stroke it);
3. And insecurities (you will have to reassure him);
4. Can only watch so many chick-flicks before he goes on a violent rampage (to be fair, you'll have to watch Mission: Impossible, Clint Eastwood films, The Die Hard films, Pawn Stars, or any and all James Bond films at a ratio of 3:1);
5. Refer to part B, Subsections 1-4;
6. He Poops see Part C (1)(e).

It's pretty basic, ladies.
There's few things that annoy me more than seeing girls, who I'm sure are great people deep down somewhere, torture their partners by violating these very basic and easy-to-follow rules. So quit nagging & if he's been a pretty decent boy today, do something small to show him you appreciate him. September's issue of Glamour says what he really wants is a BJ ( I know, try to feign surprise) but I'm sure a verbal thank you will suffice.

* I almost forgot, my embarrassing truth is this:
I farted in bed last weekend. Solo's bed to be exact. While he was AWAKE.
& also, it was loud. <--the truth about girlfriends, my lovely gentlemen readers, is that they too fart from time to time. Sad but true.

TMFFS: Innuendo

A status update, courtesy of a facebook friend of mine: 


I love this trio dessert ice cream [blue bells] ! The little chocolate balls taste so good in my mouth!




... I'm not sure where else to go from here except to say that the ice cream doesn't appreciate it when you refer to its chocolate balls as little.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Short & Sweet

A lot of romantic verbal exchanges take place between Solo & I.
For example:

Solo: When did you shave your pits?
Me: Umm... I don't know? Yesterday? Why?
Solo: I noticed the other day that your under arm hair was getting...longer... but it's gone now.
Me: ...
I need to be more attentive to my personal hygiene around you.

---

So, when I was at Solo's place of employment & he made a mocha for me with a design in the foam, my brain did this:
Solo: Did you see the design I made in your foam?
Me: *blushes* Yes...
Solo: Do you know what it is?
Me:...you're so cute.
Solo: It's my balls. *grins*
Me: ...how sweet.
----

It was definitely his balls.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Imminence of Adulthood

Today is my first day as a 2L & I've been dragging my feet all goddamned day.
I didn't think it'd be as bad as it is. I took courses over the summer so it's not like I ever really stopped coming to class.
I can't honestly lament summer's end: for one, it's too fucking hot. Secondly, my summer was pretty perfect. Between taking one course per session, my internship, and all the free time in the interim, I managed the ever elusive balance between work and lazy half awareness.

But being back here genuinely sucks.

Sitting in the hall way of one of the Law Buildings & listening to people talk about politics and homework and class...it's mentally exhausting and exasperating...and moreover, I just don't give a shit.

The one thing that's been nagging me since getting on campus, though, is this: when did everyone around me grow up? & also, how come I didn't?
I think I imagine myself as tattoos and pink lipgloss and crackle nail polish forever.
My class mates however are all button downs & khakis, walking by me as they frantically talk about current events. <--Of which I know next to nothing & mostly don't even care about.

I'm beginning to think I've chosen the wrong career path.

Just as I was hoping that my second session grade that has yet to be posted comes back an F so I'll have an excuse to leave this hell hole behind me forever, I saw Fatty in the hall.
Fatty:  Oh my gosh, can you believe all of this? I just came back from my Research meeting and we have so much due within the week.
Me: Yeah, I think I heard some of your class mates talking about current affairs and picking topics that will still be relevant...blah.
Fatty: Did you hear how I wasn't talking? I was literally just sitting there trying to hide my hicky and pretend like I cared.
Me: Haha, shut up. You're smart.
Fatty:  I just don't care the same way they do.
Me: Ah! I'm so glad you said that. I was beginning to feel left out. Fatty, do you think we'll still be the same a year from now? Or will we slowly turn into the ass holes around us?
Fatty: We are ass holes, that's why we're friends. But no, we'll never be like them. We're going to be the kind of attorneys who do our nails, and go out drinking on the weekends, and listen to rap FOREVER.
Me: Do you promise?
Fatty: Yes, bitch. Cross my heart.
----

I'm so glad I ran into her right then because I needed to hear that.
I don't think I could go through law school without Fatty & the rest of the fab4, they are my rock & I'm crazy lucky to have found them.

To get back on track:
At the core of this post is the idea that walking towards adulthood is personnally scary to me because I fear that it means sacrificing myself to become someone I'm not, and frankly, someone I loathe.
People like Fatty remind me that even for those of us moving towards professional careers, we don't have to sacrifice who we are to grow up.
& though being an adult is sure to mean the shedding of some characteristics, I feel good knowing that for now, Fatty, the Fab4, and I can all reluctantly slouch towards adulthood together, identities and eccentricities intact.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

TMFFS: Wasting Eggs

A status, courtesy of my brother, Ray:

Fact: most women spend about $150 - $200 a year on disposable tampons and pads. More than 170,000 tampon applicators were collected along US coastal areas between 1998 and 1999. What wasteful creatures.


Responses: 


Girl 1: You have a better way to handle this, Ray?...Reusable tampons doesn't seem feasible...


My Brother: Not to mention. You waste an egg every time you bleed out. 


Girl 2: Gross ^^^


Girl 3: LMAO! When you come up with a better solution, let us know!
----
Lauren at Hipstercrite actually wrote a post all about vaginas & one of the products mentioned, that 
I'd never before heard of was the mooncup. Which I'm not suggesting anyone use because it seems weird...but, for the record, eco-friendly (if semi-disturbing) menstrual cycle products ARE available out there.

Knowledge is power.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Chain Smoker Voice

Scene: At school, sitting in the court yard after class. Agnes, Gaga, & I are sitting around debating where to go for breakfast.

---
Me: Gaga, I was going to tell you something...
Gaga: ...Was it something sexy? Because I love it when you say sexy things to me.
Agnes: You say sexy things to him?
Me: No
Gaga: Yes. She does. & she says them in her sexy voice & she gives me her sexy look.
Agnes: Is her sexy voice a soft kitten voice?
Gaga: No it's a bit rougher.
Me: It's a chain smoker voice.
Gaga: Haha, maybe not that  rough.
Me: Haha!
Gaga: (In raspy voice) "[Gaga] I want to show you my tits."
Me: I've never said anything remotely similar to that...to anyone.
Gaga: That's a LIE.
Me: When?
Gaga: At the river.
Me: ...wait, what?
Gaga: Yeah, you told me to show you my...John HandCOCK & when I said no, you said, "Oh, come on. I just want to see it.  It's okay because you're gay."
Me: Ha! I did say that!
Gaga: & then Fatty felt me up since I wouldn't show you guys.
Me: Oh yeah: I remember that. That was fun, that was a fun time.
Agnes: I've never been floating, is it fun?
Gaga: Yeah!
Me: SO much fun. We should all plan a trip once everybody's back. Like first weekend of the semester.
Gaga: Yeah! ...But no Malibu for you this time.
Me: Oh, yeah. That was a mistake.
Agnes: Wait, so you drink on the river?
Me & Gaga: *Gasp!*
Me: Why else would anyone go?
Gaga: That's dumb. Did you even think about that first? Of course people drink on the river.
Agnes: Maybe I shouldn't go then. When I get drunk I mostly just want to set things on fire. *widens eyes*
Me & Gaga: ...
Agnes: Hold on, I'm getting a call. (Steps away.)
Me: Let's leave her here.
Gaga: Don't be so mean.
Me: She is going to go Virginia Tech on our asses one day. & we'll get the worst part of it since we are the ones who made contact with her.
Gaga: She's not a wild animal.
Me: Honey Badger.

Gaga: She's not a honey badger.
Me: But no, seriously, maybe it's not such a good idea inviting her to things.
Gaga: Yeah... we should probably stop that.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Wrong Tree

Scene: Talking to Gaga &, a socially awkward student/aquaintance, Agatha after class.

Agatha: Gaga, do you wear contacts?
Gaga: No.
Agatha: Oh. Because your eyes are amazing.
Gaga: Well thank you. My eyes are amazing. Aren't they Laurel?
Me: Yes. Yes they are.
Agatha: Hey can you guys wait for me? I've got to go get something from the computer lab.
Gaga: Sure.
Me: Whatever.
(Agatha leaves)
Me: Why are we inviting her to breakfast, again?
Gaga: Well yesterday she was like, "So Gaga, what are you doing now?"
& I was like, "Probably going home & going back to sleep."
& she was like, "I'm hungry. You shouldn't go to sleep."
But I was tired so I wanted to go home. & I felt bad for blowing her off.
Me: ...does Agatha like you?
Gaga: No, she knows I'm gay.
Me: I think she might be hitting on you.
Gaga: No!
Me: I feel bad for her. She's barking up the wrong tree...This tree is gay.
Gaga: Haha. She's not. She just wants to be friends. Friends who eat breakfast.
Me: Well, I for one cannot wait for the three of us to get breakfast now. It'll be really fun sitting at the table across from you two as you try to fight off her awkward sexual advances.
Gaga: Stop! Shhh, she's coming back.
Me: Don't shhh me; you're a child.
Gaga: You're terrible.
(Agatha comes back)
Agatha: (to Gaga) Hey, turn around.
(Puts her hands on his back & massages)
I want to touch your hair.
Me: Haha! So where are we going to get breakfast?
------
(At breakfast, a few moments later)
Gaga: Well, Agatha, I feel like I don't know much about you. Why don't you tell me something about yourself? (to waitor) Oh, Sir, wait! I asked for sprite, this is lemonade. Thanks!
Agatha: Ooh, I've never seen your mean side.
Gaga: What do you mean?
Agatha: I've never seen you be so demanding. I like it. It was sexy.
Me: Ha! *clears throat*
Gaga: (shoots me a dirty look) ...Anyway... So you were telling me about yourself.
Agatha: Well, I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, I like making out with random guys. & my boyfriend & I just broke up so I'm single. (looks at Gaga meaningfully)
Me: *under my breath* I bet this is what your craigslist ad says too.
Gaga & Agatha: What?
Me: Is it okay if I salt the chips?
Gaga: ...
Agatha: & also, I can't wear watches.
Gaga:...why is that?
Agatha: I forgot what it's called but my blood basically sucks all the energy out the watch.
Me: Is that made up?...Like did you read this in a science fiction book? Are you trying to tell us that you're a vampire?
Agatha: ...What?
Me: Oh, it's a real condition? Nevermind.
Agatha: ... So Gaga, are you seeing anyone right now?
Me: Shit just got real.
Gaga: (to me) Stop.
(to Agatha) Well, I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 5 years, give or take.
Agatha: Oh. I didn't know you... had a boyfriend.
Me: This was substantially more fun than I previously imagined. I'm having a blast.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

TMFFS: Chronicles of the lonely & conflicted.

The updates of an obese & physically disabled young lady who happens to be a  facebook friend of mine: *

1:00 pm
Does anyone know what 69 stands for? I know it's something sexy but what is it?


1:59 pm
OK, 69 means simultaneous oral s*x. So is it where TWO girls are like licking each other's p*ssy's OR where a woman is sucking a guy's d*ck while he is licking/sucking her p*ssy? I done sucked a d*ck, but no guy has ever sucked/licked my p*ssy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(2:15 pm, lonely friend likes the Lucky Charms facebook page)

2:27 pm
I don't care what anyone thinks, but I do know I'm magically delicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Same friend comments on her own status update:
I kiss really yummy & down there tastes good as well all though I've never got that done yet!!!!!!!!!!!)

2:50 pm (friend takes facebook quiz on song lyrics. Result comes back: "YOU SUCK!")
friend's result to quiz result:
Egh I only suck d*cks so I don't suck ya'll!


3:09 pm
I just joined myYearbook!!!!!!!!!!!


4:56 pm

Man this one guy on myYearbook said he just wanted to get into my pretty P*SSY!!!!!!!! I just can't believe that!!!! Man OOOOHHHH WEE!!!!!!!!!

-->Friend of Friend responds (5:12 pm): ok, he just sounds like a perve!
Friend responds (6:47 pm): I know & he done did it!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I feel horable for dat stupid mistake that happened...............

7:32 pm:
Well, there's another guy coming to my house. Hope my grandparents to scare him awat!
(My guess is over-enthusiasm lead to this poor spelling. Translation: Hope my grandparents don't scare him away.)

7:36 pm:
Ugh, I feel nasty from what I just did!!!!!!!!!
-->Friend of Friend responds: ?
Friend responds: Egh what I did is what I just did!

7:42 pm: 
Well I wanna let everyone know that I'm locked up in all times until I'm really Married 4 real!!!! So no more one time sessions or nothing like that at all!!!! I been there & done that & honestly don't wanna go back to that!!!!!!!!!!
--> Friend of Friend responds: Lets not go backwards and move forward...you go girl!!!
Friend responds: I know, but it's like now adays guys just wanna f*ck u or get some suckin acctution done there & that's all!!!! I'm not a darn peice of trash!!!!!!!!!!
-->FoF responds: Well, chock it to experience and the next time, if you don't know them then pass on the invite, know someone well and your heart will take it from there..
Friend responds: ur so rite!!!! i just need 2 take my time all though it's HARD 4 me to do that!!!

7:55 pm
Well turns out he does want to meet my Grandparents!!!! Well if it turns out bad I'll come back & tell u how it went out!!!!
(Friend responds to own status update, 8:12 pm: Well it won't be 2nite, but maybe 2morrow nite or soon cuz my Grandparents r bout 2 go 2 their room & I think he caught up to with something!!!!)

8:27 pm: 
Oh lord dat dude wanna go f*ck, but as bad as I want to 1.) I'm on my period & 2.) I not goin 2 do that til I get married 4 real!!!!
(Friend comments on own status update, 8:34 pm:
What do y'all think???? Or should i just go get & go back on those birth control pills????
& again at 8:50 pm:
Oh lord i not even tired & i should really go get some sleep!!!! )

11:00 pm (gets horoscope online, in response to horoscope post:
I am making sure I'm careful!!!! OH LORD WITH PPL!!!! OH LORD!!!!!!!! OH LORD LOOKS LIKE NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN ME & THAT GUY....HMMM....WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK?????
[in response to her own response: Now be honest with me!
-->FoF responds: Here is HONEST: Stop worrying about sex, yes we all have needs but; love will come to you when your ready..If you keep pushing yourself because you want it, your gonna end up getting used, abused and hurt...If you want to put energy into something than put it into yourself... The more private stuff u post the more perveted and gross guys will draw attention to you...Keep the personal sex drive to yourself, thats how they find you... WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED or HAD HAPPENED if your grandparents did not want to meet him...Your human I get it, you have needs I get that too, but there are too many wack jobs out there, and if you don't know them, don't be going off with them... Talk yo guys but be discreet...
Friend responds: Ur so right!!!! I should just wait til I'm married for real then da sexual business will happen then even though i feel h*rny as heck right now....but it just needs to go away & i just can't wait til I'm really married 4 dat business 2 get done.] )

11:13 pm
I lost da virginity when I was 19.

11:19 pm
 I do know that I do messed up scince I was 19, but 4rm now on I'm just goin 2 stay away 4rm any kind of sexual stuff....So I do feel sorry 4 that one guy that I meet & wanted 2 do that to me!!!!!!!!!

---
...I think this stream of posts shows that there are those among us who, even if given an entire bag of fucks, would not give one. 

* Unlike most TMFFS posts, this post had to be edited down for explicit content (and also because she actually had even MORE status updates in this 10 hour span). Not because I don't think you guys are mature enough, but mostly because I fear google adsense will start adding crazy ads to this post based on the content. & also, the traffic I get from google is already weird enough. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Before today is over.

lost on the riverwalk



pictures I send you of my fingers. 
& things.



interwebs.
& when we're together.



it's been a pretty cool month.