Today is my first day as a 2L & I've been dragging my feet all goddamned day.
I didn't think it'd be as bad as it is. I took courses over the summer so it's not like I ever really stopped coming to class.
I can't honestly lament summer's end: for one, it's too fucking hot. Secondly, my summer was pretty perfect. Between taking one course per session, my internship, and all the free time in the interim, I managed the ever elusive balance between work and lazy half awareness.
But being back here genuinely sucks.
Sitting in the hall way of one of the Law Buildings & listening to people talk about politics and homework and class...it's mentally exhausting and exasperating...and moreover, I just don't give a shit.
The one thing that's been nagging me since getting on campus, though, is this: when did everyone around me grow up? & also, how come I didn't?
I think I imagine myself as tattoos and pink lipgloss and crackle nail polish forever.
My class mates however are all button downs & khakis, walking by me as they frantically talk about current events. <--Of which I know next to nothing & mostly don't even care about.
I'm beginning to think I've chosen the wrong career path.
Just as I was hoping that my second session grade that has yet to be posted comes back an F so I'll have an excuse to leave this hell hole behind me forever, I saw Fatty in the hall.
Fatty: Oh my gosh, can you believe all of this? I just came back from my Research meeting and we have so much due within the week.
Me: Yeah, I think I heard some of your class mates talking about current affairs and picking topics that will still be relevant...blah.
Fatty: Did you hear how I wasn't talking? I was literally just sitting there trying to hide my hicky and pretend like I cared.
Me: Haha, shut up. You're smart.
Fatty: I just don't care the same way they do.
Me: Ah! I'm so glad you said that. I was beginning to feel left out. Fatty, do you think we'll still be the same a year from now? Or will we slowly turn into the ass holes around us?
Fatty: We are ass holes, that's why we're friends. But no, we'll never be like them. We're going to be the kind of attorneys who do our nails, and go out drinking on the weekends, and listen to rap FOREVER.
Me: Do you promise?
Fatty: Yes, bitch. Cross my heart.
I'm so glad I ran into her right then because I needed to hear that.
I don't think I could go through law school without Fatty & the rest of the fab4, they are my rock & I'm crazy lucky to have found them.
To get back on track:
At the core of this post is the idea that walking towards adulthood is personnally scary to me because I fear that it means sacrificing myself to become someone I'm not, and frankly, someone I loathe.
People like Fatty remind me that even for those of us moving towards professional careers, we don't have to sacrifice who we are to grow up.
& though being an adult is sure to mean the shedding of some characteristics, I feel good knowing that for now, Fatty, the Fab4, and I can all reluctantly slouch towards adulthood together, identities and eccentricities intact.