Sunday, August 28, 2011

Rant: The Truth About Boyfriends

I almost NEVER do this. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to complain, but I never come on here to rant.
This is because I know that all five of you beloved readers of mine who come on here regularly do it because you want to read about the ways in which me or the people around me have embarrassed ourselves recently.
& the blog world being a service industry, I want to provide that to you, readers, I really really do. As a matter of fact, it's all I want in life.
So I will try to inject humor into this rant. I really will.
& in the event that this rant wasn't all that funny, I will put an embarrassing truth at the end of this post, just so that it was worth your while. *

I see A LOT of relationship talk on the internet that upsets me.

For example, I hate seeing people make livings by tweeting "secrets to understanding your girlfriend" type content.
Girlfriends are not mythical, elusive creatures: we are people.
You know which three things can basically solve ANY problem you're having with your girlfriend? -- acknowledgment, respect, patience.
ANY ARGUMENT you EVER have with your girlfriend can be resolved under one of those three concepts (probably).

& I think that women need to be a little bit more forgiving and understand that the same notion is relevant to men.
The secret to not being the naggy kind of girlfriend that your boyfriend will come to resent is this: UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS HUMAN.

This comes with many subsections, for example:

A. Your boyfriend likes sex. This means he
1. Watches porn...a lot;
2. Touches himself...a lot;
3. Keeps a mental & ever-expanding list of women and/or objects he would bone;
4. Wants (& likely expects) to have sex with you on a semi-regular basis (when convenient, try to oblige him & always remember that this rule is a two-way street).

B. Your boyfriend, once again, is a PERSON. This means he is not
1. A Pet/Servant--so stop trying to "train" him or saying that he needs to be trained--it makes you look like a total bitch;
2. Your livelihood-- so stop being a gold digger, you slut;
3. The Key Element to Your Happiness-- that is ultimately depressing. If you measure the value of your life or the quality of your life by whether you have boyfriend, you are due for serious disappointment. Basically, your life has to be worth living--single or not, otherwise you are pathetic.
4. A Trophy--showing your guy off is nice but there is such a thing as too much. If you're waving your boyfriend around like an American flag on the fourth of July, I pretty much assume you're the kind of girl mentioned in B(3). So will everyone else (except other B(3) girls)
5. Your twin--so stop pretending to like all the same shit before you smother him so much his eyes pop out of his head.

C. Your boyfriend values his independence. This means
1. He needs time away from you to
(a) watch porn;
(b) touch himself;
(c) talk to his friends about women/objects he would hypothetically bone;
(e) use the restroom;
(f) watch sports--because seriously, 80% of the time they don't want us there asking them a bunch of inane questions during the playoffs. THEY HATE THAT.

D. Your boyfriend is a HUMAN. This means
1. He lies (you will have to forgive him at least once);
2. He has an ego (you will have to stroke it);
3. And insecurities (you will have to reassure him);
4. Can only watch so many chick-flicks before he goes on a violent rampage (to be fair, you'll have to watch Mission: Impossible, Clint Eastwood films, The Die Hard films, Pawn Stars, or any and all James Bond films at a ratio of 3:1);
5. Refer to part B, Subsections 1-4;
6. He Poops see Part C (1)(e).

It's pretty basic, ladies.
There's few things that annoy me more than seeing girls, who I'm sure are great people deep down somewhere, torture their partners by violating these very basic and easy-to-follow rules. So quit nagging & if he's been a pretty decent boy today, do something small to show him you appreciate him. September's issue of Glamour says what he really wants is a BJ ( I know, try to feign surprise) but I'm sure a verbal thank you will suffice.

* I almost forgot, my embarrassing truth is this:
I farted in bed last weekend. Solo's bed to be exact. While he was AWAKE.
& also, it was loud. <--the truth about girlfriends, my lovely gentlemen readers, is that they too fart from time to time. Sad but true.


  1. This is so true. I needed to be reminded of this yesterday.

    Ahhh I'm so mad at blogger for not adequately updating your blog, it's so frustrating. I don't know how many different times I've tried to re-follow this url.

  2. haha, I think sometimes I need to be reminded of this, too. It happens to all of us. & I think you're totally the greatest for still reading my blog despite the fact that blogger doesn't post my new posts in your buzz box. :(