Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Wrong Tree

Scene: Talking to Gaga &, a socially awkward student/aquaintance, Agatha after class.

Agatha: Gaga, do you wear contacts?
Gaga: No.
Agatha: Oh. Because your eyes are amazing.
Gaga: Well thank you. My eyes are amazing. Aren't they Laurel?
Me: Yes. Yes they are.
Agatha: Hey can you guys wait for me? I've got to go get something from the computer lab.
Gaga: Sure.
Me: Whatever.
(Agatha leaves)
Me: Why are we inviting her to breakfast, again?
Gaga: Well yesterday she was like, "So Gaga, what are you doing now?"
& I was like, "Probably going home & going back to sleep."
& she was like, "I'm hungry. You shouldn't go to sleep."
But I was tired so I wanted to go home. & I felt bad for blowing her off.
Me: ...does Agatha like you?
Gaga: No, she knows I'm gay.
Me: I think she might be hitting on you.
Gaga: No!
Me: I feel bad for her. She's barking up the wrong tree...This tree is gay.
Gaga: Haha. She's not. She just wants to be friends. Friends who eat breakfast.
Me: Well, I for one cannot wait for the three of us to get breakfast now. It'll be really fun sitting at the table across from you two as you try to fight off her awkward sexual advances.
Gaga: Stop! Shhh, she's coming back.
Me: Don't shhh me; you're a child.
Gaga: You're terrible.
(Agatha comes back)
Agatha: (to Gaga) Hey, turn around.
(Puts her hands on his back & massages)
I want to touch your hair.
Me: Haha! So where are we going to get breakfast?
(At breakfast, a few moments later)
Gaga: Well, Agatha, I feel like I don't know much about you. Why don't you tell me something about yourself? (to waitor) Oh, Sir, wait! I asked for sprite, this is lemonade. Thanks!
Agatha: Ooh, I've never seen your mean side.
Gaga: What do you mean?
Agatha: I've never seen you be so demanding. I like it. It was sexy.
Me: Ha! *clears throat*
Gaga: (shoots me a dirty look) ...Anyway... So you were telling me about yourself.
Agatha: Well, I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, I like making out with random guys. & my boyfriend & I just broke up so I'm single. (looks at Gaga meaningfully)
Me: *under my breath* I bet this is what your craigslist ad says too.
Gaga & Agatha: What?
Me: Is it okay if I salt the chips?
Gaga: ...
Agatha: & also, I can't wear watches.
Gaga:...why is that?
Agatha: I forgot what it's called but my blood basically sucks all the energy out the watch.
Me: Is that made up?...Like did you read this in a science fiction book? Are you trying to tell us that you're a vampire?
Agatha: ...What?
Me: Oh, it's a real condition? Nevermind.
Agatha: ... So Gaga, are you seeing anyone right now?
Me: Shit just got real.
Gaga: (to me) Stop.
(to Agatha) Well, I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 5 years, give or take.
Agatha: Oh. I didn't know you... had a boyfriend.
Me: This was substantially more fun than I previously imagined. I'm having a blast.


  1. lmfao I feel like that would be me before college. My gaydar has improved an insane amount since I got there.

  2. I actually had this convo with Gaga today: I think women fall in love with gay men ALL THE TIME. It's hard not to, they're adorable.