Monday, September 19, 2011

Catch a tiger by the toe

A lot of people don't think of moving into a new apartment as a spiritual experience but over the course of this weekend, I've learned that if you ever want to feel alive the simplest solution is to either jam your toes into a blunt object or drop something heavy onto them.
No feeling has ever coursed through my body so fervently as the pain associated with jamming my toes into whatever solid objects were laying around my apartment.

I say spiritual not because I got high from all the fumes of the various cleaning products I employed to clean up my old apartment (which, I admit, may nonetheless have happened), but because when you're moving heavy boxes of your shit around, you've got a lot of time to to think...or maybe not. Maybe my wandering mind is the reason my pinky toe has turned blacker than coal.

Either way, I learned a lot this weekend & I think it's been good for me. A lot of things have been brought to my attention, things like:
--If you don't make lists of all the shit you don't have now that you've moved, you will make several trips to the grocer only to find you forgot something else...I still don't have paper towels.
--Dusting is absolutely necessary. My life was immersed in dust and I had no idea until I suddenly had to pick up every single item I owned. So, so much dust. I thought I was living inside your mom's cooter for a moment... but I wasn't (Ha, just joking! I just wanted to make sure I still had your attention...& also: Burn!).
--After the fact that you've dropped a canister of clear thumb-tacks into the carpeting while barefoot is a horrible time to be uncertain of the currentness of your tetanus vaccinations.
--Once again, toes are very very vulnerable.
--Taking naps will impede your progress.
--When the well is dry, we know the worth of water. Benjamin Franklin said that and let me tell you now, just how important it is to be precognitive of the fact that you will need toilet paper and trash bags.
--There are some things thumb tacks cannot hold up. Many, many things, as it were.
--Smaller apartments necessitate less furniture. I feel like I'm in a cleaner episode of hoarders. It's actually not that bad but I hope to never have more than two guests at a time or else we'll all be breathing the air directly from one another's mouths.
--It's easy to let your imagination (and paranoia) get the best of you when you move into a place by yourself for the first time after a year. Today Shakespeare and I both thought someone was inside our apartment. We came out of the bathroom draped in a towel and wielding an umbrella as a weapon only to find that the intruder was actually just the sound of thunder muffled from the bathroom door being closed and from having my Pandora on in the background. & when I say "Shakespeare and I," I actually just mean "me" since Shakespeare sensed no danger at all and kept napping on the rug while I panicked.
--It is never okay to nudey skype your boyfriend without first putting up curtains. Their are children on your floor, I guarantee it.

1 comment:

  1. Lists do not even work! I made like 4 of them in my move from home to the dorm and I forgot like THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS, such as advil and my slippers. Clearly important to my well-being. Also, I'm right there with you on the toes, except my big toes are throbbing instead of the pinky toes.

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