Thursday, September 29, 2011

Idioms

There's no way to go about this post without putting someone on blast.
Last weekend, my ex boyfriend & my current boyfriend celebrated their respective birthdays.
No big deal.
In the same city.
Kinda weird.
On the same gawddamned street that everyone who goes to Austin, TX celebrates on.
Only a little bit awkward.
Or a lot a bit.

Anyway, on my end, maybe I made the mistake of ever having said, "Happy Birthday."
Fair enough.
To which my ex responded with something along the lines of, "I'm sorry for how things ended & I miss you."
& though I fumbled for the right response but could come up with nothing better than saying thank you, what I found to be the most frustrating is that I had so much to say.
Five months ago.

At any given point in time over the course of two years, the window of opportunity for which came to a close this past May, an apology would have been relevant.

& what's sad is that I wanted this apology. I wanted him to say exactly what he said.
Maybe a little too much & admittedly for the wrong reasons.
I wanted to hear him tell me that he regretted the way he treated me because my pride was bruised.
Because my ego & I would hypothetically get a kick out of it.
Because I wanted to hang the fact that I was long gone in his face.
Because I wanted to wear his regret and strut around in it and be a gigantic bitch about the whole thing.
& maybe I lied just now when I said I had things to say back in May: I guess I thought I always wanted to say, "HaHA!" or "Omygawddd, it must suck so bad to be you."

But when the moment came & I FINALLY got what I thought I wanted, I realized that ever having wanted validation was so dumb.

I think we both lost on this one: validation didn't feel like I thought it would & he put his "feelings" on the table to find them unrequited & moreover to find that no one really gave a shit.
Which makes me think that there is definitely a cut off point for apologies. You can be so far out from an event that your apology makes no difference.

I've always been one to give a person an apology via email or awkward hallway exchange years after the fact & now I'm thinking that better late than never is a lie in some instances. I think in some instances, the correct idiom might be not to drag a dead horse. Or something like that. That's a popular idiom, right?

1 comment:

  1. Awkward. There's definitely a point when making an apology passes. =/

    ReplyDelete