Once upon a time, I sent Fatty a text that said nothing but Bee Eff Eff.
It was supposed to be the phonetic spelling of BFF.
Fatty texts me back & is all, "what about it?"
& I'm all, "what about what?"
& she's like, "beef."
& I'm like, "No, I was calling you bff. Not talking about beef."
& so we chanced upon our first best friend nickname; ever since, we've started almost all our texts, conversations, and addressed any and all birthday cards to each other as beef. It's also the caption on most of the pictures we take together.
Anyway. So Fatty has this other best friend, Kitty. Kitty's cool.
She's engaged to this really tall, burly guy. & over lunch the other day, I said, "It's weird to me that Kitty met her fiancee online. She's a pretty girl."
& Fatty was like, "You're so dumb! Kitty didn't meet him online! They met in Vegas! My chicken's really spicy: taste this."
& I said, "I swear you told me they met online. That is spicy."
& Fatty starts cracking up. I don't know why she's laughing. But she's laughing really hard, so hard people are starting to look, so hard that I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. So I ask, "What's so funny, damnit?"
& Fatty's like, "A lot of times I laugh because in my mind, I make up a story. So you said that you thought Kitty met her guy online & I was just imagining her online profile: turn ons--house music, turn offs--man boobs."
This made Fatty laugh even harder.
Later on, via facebook, I told her:
I'm going to set up a fake account as you on chemistry.com.
Interests: Pickled garlic, ironing, making dolls out of hair.
Dislikes: Reality shows about birthing.
& she said: But I don't even like to iron.
& I then said: Oh, but you like pickled garlic & hair dolls?
& she said: Ha! & you call yourself my beef.
She cracks me up everyday.