Wednesday, March 21, 2012

In the midst

It's times like this when I've got some major thing looming over me and reminding me of my impending doom that I can't get off facebook.
Not to be melodramatic, but at the moment, all I can think of really is the fact that I'm abdicating some responsibility or another--
like I've been spending way too much money,
like I've fallen miserably behind in my studies,
like I've taken on Solo's own difficulties and worry about them more than I worry about myself at the moment, but namely that I've got a pretty sizable paper due this afternoon that isn't nearly where it should be.

To keep the panic at bay and distract myself from the a fore mentioned impending doom, I logged onto my facebook where I was drawn by vanity to look through the glossary of my tagged photos.
What's going to sound even more vain is that I actually liked what I found there.
Not in the sense of--wow, I'm super hot! but in a way I consider much more profound.

A little over a year ago, on the drive home from my final day of first semester law classes, I suddenly realized I was happy. The feeling surprised and overwhelmed me. I was actually living the happiest moments of my life and I don't think I've come down from there since.

Reader(s) I was and am still a late bloomer.
My awkward phase ran from birth to present day.
My whole life, people kept telling me that high school would be the best days of my life (bitter lies), & then it was college (failure!), and then people said getting my law degree would fucking suck & I believed them. & even though it does suck sometimes, it's actually been really great. I love San Antonio; I love feeling like the degree I'm working towards will make me feel fulfilled, important, part of something greater than myself; I love the new friendships I've formed and the fact that I was able to get closer to my dad & brother.
A big part of my happiness now is that I am, for the most part, pretty happy with the person I am & the circumstances of my life and those are things I wasn't really ever invested in before.

Realizing I was now consistently happy led me to believe that I'd never actually been happy or that everything in my life before 2010 was crap.

Looking through my tagged photos made me realize that I'd falsely come to that conclusion.
I remembered a time in my life where I'd blow off classes to go sit in my favorite professor's office and listen to him talk about his trips to the desert, his cat, his wife.
I remembered the ridiculous classes I took to fulfill elective hours; puppet making, painting, forest ecology, diseases of the world.
I remembered how proud I was to be part of a sorority and moreover, how very real the love I had for my pledge sisters was.

I remembered how much I've always loved Darlene ever since 6th grade DARE class & how lucky I am to have met such a true friend (who lets me and my boyfriend sleep on her living room futon during spring break because we have no where else to go & lets me repay her in donuts).
I remembered little things I loved back then--the sound of the train passing behind my house, the elm trees on campus, the blackberries growing in my front yard and the bunnies that lived under the blackberry bush.

How could I have ever forgotten that even though I was not a happy person then I still loved my life?

The best explanation I have is that I was just taking everything for granted because in the midst of it all, I couldn't see how happy I actually was.
As great of a revelation as it is, it's also kind of sad: I was really almost so blind to the fact of my happiness that I forgot to enjoy it properly & I can't go back.
It's crazy to think that right now I could be happy beyond my wildest imaginations & not be able to fully grasp and digest it.

The best I can do now is to just try to be much more grateful for everything.
I know I'm loved & looked after by something beyond my comprehension & much greater than myself.

& before I forget, that adorable girl in the photo up there pretending to advertise her love of carpet munching is tying the knot this weekend. I'm a bride's maid & literally so happy I could vomit (that or it's jitters from the energy drink). It's rare to think anyone actually deserves your friends but I am confident there is no one more capable of loving her than her betrothed.

Before I go, I'd just like to share a recent email exchange between the two of us:
Her: blah blah blah, wedding details (I might be paraphrasing).
Me: cordial affirmative response (more paraphrasing).
       & also: my new phone's autocorrect keeps changing your name to tits! Just thought I should share.
Her: wow, that IS a smartphone!
           --tits. *

*It should be mentioned that once I almost convinced our sorority that her official nickname (for line jacket purposes) should be Tits McGee. That, regrettably, fell through.

1 comment:

  1. I feel like that's one of the hardest things about life. It's gonna sound super corny saying it, but you never really know how happy you are in one moment until you look back on later in life. And you're right, it does make you want to be really grateful right now in this moment. But since we're human, we forget that (sometimes more often than not). But at least when you're looking back in times when you feel like crap, even if you never really noticed it, you can do things like this and realize that you're actually having a pretty good life.
    And tell your friend congrats! You know, even though it totally WON'T be creepy that some rando blog follower said it xP