Monday, January 28, 2013

Epilogue

The last time I published here, I would not have guessed that I was actually writing a prologue to my own break up.

& so I'm able to answer my own question: what do you do when it's lost for the other person, when you can't polish things anymore?

The answer I know now is:


  • you'll ask if they're sure; whether they're tired, whether it's the distance, whether it's something you can fix (and they'll say no),
  • you'll feel angry and betrayed when they ask you to be their friend, even if it's a sincere sentiment, and subsequently when they don't seem to be hurt/don't beg you to come back in the following days,
  • you'll go on a date with a weird kid from school who will take you to a restaurant where the former owner was murdered by bow and arrow, and you'll want to go running and screaming back to your ex when your date makes you read their blog,
    • you'll realize that, in the world of euphemisms, though you did fall off that horse, it was too soon for you to get back on and you probably should have just laid on the ground a bit longer to give yourself the opportunity to fully appreciate the experience,
  • you will cry. Sometimes at the bottle of wine you were saving for their next visit that sends a piercing chill into your heart and makes you feel naive. Other times, for the moment you go to take down their pictures and realize you aren't ready to;
  • you will be angry with yourself; because you know they did plenty of ass hole, jerk, shit person things to drive the relationship towards its demise, but you still feel like you would accept full responsibility if it meant restoring things (and you'll feel haunted by the things you didn't do that could have made a difference);
  • And ultimately, you'll realize that all that is left is to say good bye, and hope that if proverbs are true, having set something you love free, if it's meant to be it'll come back. Or whatever. 

3 comments:

  1. =/ I'm sorry, girl. Saying "break ups suck" would be the understatement of the century, but they do. Take some time for yourself. Get lost in yourself. And then maybe when you come back around, you'll find someone who was looking for you too.

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  2. :( eeeeeee! I had no idea. I'm right there with you, love. & its funny, I wrote a similar blog the other day. (0.o) break ups really do blow.

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  3. Aw, I hope you're ok big cousin. Love you.

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