Saturday, July 6, 2013

A quitter

My whole life, I've gone after bad boys. 
I know, I sound like every other girl in the world right now. 
Time & time again I've broken things off with sweet, amazing men & chosen, instead, the bad boy. & time & time again, after years of emotional (& sometimes financial) investment, things didn't work out. If I didn't sound like every other girl you've ever known, I probably do now. 

My biggest romantic goal was to take one of these guys (I'd describe him but because I'm not saying anything you haven't heard a million times already, I know you know the type) & convert him. 
He was going to be my trophy; look how fucking rad I am--I changed this guy! 

I think I even touched on this fact about myself in one of my more recent posts about why I'm not married. 
All my friends are married or in serious relationships, what's wrong with me?!? I said stuff like this all the time & I kind of meant it as a joke. 
But it's not a joke. I, and every girl like me, am (is) the problem. I've been choosing guys who don't want to commit so I could feel like I'd won something if I could get them to make me their choice. Are you hearing how fucked up that logic is?! I'M THE PROBLEM!!! 

So if you know me, you know I'm that girl. I hate to admit it. & by that girl, I mean the girl who is so in love until she isn't & then there's like a 10 minute lapse before I'm falling over someone new. This is really painful for me because I hate those girls! I make fun of those girls! But I'm trying to be honest & I am what I am. I'm that girl. (I've even started to feel really bad for the way everyone makes fun of Taylor Swift. I'm on the brink of posting a YouTube video of me crying up close into the camera, "leave Taylor alone!") 
So, of course, there's this one guy. He's gorgeous, he's smart, he likes my jokes. He's that guy: "hey, touch my shirt. You know what it's made of? Boyfriend material." 
& I'm actually terrified that I'm not good enough for him, that I'm smothering him, that I'm misreading things & he's not even into me, that I'm going to fail the bar exam & he's going to realize he can do better. All the time. It's been a while since I've been so...neurotic. It's gotten to a place where people around me are beginning to resent me. 
& on top of making me feel like a total fucking spaz, he says perfect shit. Like shit that men say in romcoms that you never ever hear guys say in real life. 

So, the other night we're talking & he's telling me about how he gives everything in his relationships & I'm thinking: are you crazy? Were you an ugly kid or something?? But instead, I tell him that when he says stuff like that, it makes me uncomfortable. I tell him that I'm not ready to accept the fact that there are handsome, hard working men out there who will treat me and our relationship with respect. 
& he's like: no, they are out there. 

This conversation was a couple of nights ago & since then I've realized; he's so right. I can think of several guys who would have been awesome boyfriends, guys who maybe I'd be married to by now had I not been such an idiot, that I've turned down over the years. & I came up with excuses for why we wouldn't work; he's a bad kisser, he's got a third nipple, he always farts in the bathroom & I can hear it! Or whatever.

The truth is; there was never an absence of good guys for me to date, I just never wanted to date them. They were too simple, they didn't thrill me with their indifference, they didn't have exciting criminal pasts or women I'd constantly be competing with. 
& I know people say that a lot of nice guys are not as handsome or dorky, but I've met (& passed up) several handsome & sweet gems of men because I was crazy. 

I've done this to myself. I am responsible for the fact that I'm single, again. 

& I'm just not going to do this anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm out of money. My friends are tired of my shit. I'm ready to be with someone who isn't playing games. 

Something else that's changed about me; I was all about educated men. I couldn't fathom being with someone who didn't have a four year degree. It might be weird for me to put this on the Internet but I'm not using his real name & this is my blog so I can do whatever the fuck I want, basically, but Solo never had any money. In the 2 years we were together, I can count the number of dates he paid for & gifts he bought me, COMBINED, on one hand. Did I mention this was over the course of TWO previous years?!? I don't even really care that much about the money but like this kid had drug money, had money for concert tickets & trips to California. He just didn't have date money. Haha

In the time I've lived in San Antonio, I've had a cute neighbor who was an Airman. Every time I saw him, he'd flirt with me & say how he was going to ask me out. Recently, I responded to his flirting with, "I'll believe it when I see it." & he was like, "you wouldn't go out with me." & I asked him why he thought that so he says I'm too educated for him & I'm looking for someone who went to college. 
This was true for a long time. 
I hope it's not cruel for me to say this, because Solo & I had a reasonably good time together & I really am grateful for what he gave me, but after dating Solo, I'm done with the mentality of needing a man with a degree. I'd take a hard working man who supports himself over a college guy who is constantly borrowing money ANY DAY. Hands down. 

So anyway, to tie things up, I'm the problem & I know it now. & I'm going to change that & see what happens. 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Meeting cute

I was in my office. My office mate had carefully folded dozens of sheets of craft paper into origami cranes. After tying string around their beaks, I climbed on top desks, chairs, and boxes, hanging them from our office ceiling. 
Balanced on top of a desk, I stretched my arms toward the roof. And suddenly, I became aware of someone watching me.  I turned my gaze toward the open door of my office. 

"So...what's going on in here?" A man from down the hall asked me. I noted the look of disapproval on his handsome face. 

"Oh, you know...hanging cranes." 
He didn't say anything, he just laughed and walked away. 
"Real smooth, Lauren," I thought to myself. 

10 minutes later, I was standing in my office door way, debating where to hang the next crane when he walked by on the way to his office. He stopped and looked into my office with me. 
"Looks good," he said. 
"Hey, thanks!" 

He was already walking back to office.

"Is this what meeting cute is like?" I wondered. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

Seriously This Time

When Solo & I met, he swept me off my feet. He came to San Antonio on a suffocating, hot day in May & blew my mind.

We just walked around and talked. It was nothing special. But at the same time, as the hours flew by that day, I remember feeling for the first time that maybe there is someone right for everyone and maybe I was lucky enough to be standing with the person right for me.

Things happened over the course of our relationship, two perhaps tumultuous years, that shook that faith for me. Haha. But I believed, and do believe, that what we had was special & it made the turmoil shall I say...worth it?

I regret nothing. I think we're both leaving knowing that the other really enriched our lives and changed the people we were for the better.

Solo, because of you, I'm not afraid.
The places I'd come from before you really tarnished my ideas of who I had to be to make a relationship work. I was afraid of showing someone I liked who I actually was. Afraid that if they saw me, all of me, they wouldn't like it.
But you saved me. You did.
You showed me that I can be my full self and still be loved.
I'm supremely grateful for that; it didn't just change the person I am in romantic relationships, but I was able to be more candid with my friendships and more honest in my relationship with myself.
Thank you a million times for bringing this light into my life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, we tried.
I actually think it's the best way to go--we tried, we tried hard. We tried so hard it was consuming and exhausting and then we realized;
we love each other but it's okay that that, in itself, is not enough.

Recently, I saw someone post a photo of her husband.
The caption said, "We've been through so much and sometimes we hate each other and it's been hard but I wouldn't have it any other way."
I respect people who hang in there. I honestly do.
But sweet Solo, I want to thank you for not letting this be us.
I don't want either of us to talk about our relationship in a way where we feel obligated to acknowledge all of the dark behind it. I think we both deserve better.

You don't know it, but two years ago you really opened my heart to the possibility that I could be wildly happy with myself and with someone who could want exactly what I am. & I'm taking that with me with you to thank for it.