Saturday, July 6, 2013

A quitter

My whole life, I've gone after bad boys. 
I know, I sound like every other girl in the world right now. 
Time & time again I've broken things off with sweet, amazing men & chosen, instead, the bad boy. & time & time again, after years of emotional (& sometimes financial) investment, things didn't work out. If I didn't sound like every other girl you've ever known, I probably do now. 

My biggest romantic goal was to take one of these guys (I'd describe him but because I'm not saying anything you haven't heard a million times already, I know you know the type) & convert him. 
He was going to be my trophy; look how fucking rad I am--I changed this guy! 

I think I even touched on this fact about myself in one of my more recent posts about why I'm not married. 
All my friends are married or in serious relationships, what's wrong with me?!? I said stuff like this all the time & I kind of meant it as a joke. 
But it's not a joke. I, and every girl like me, am (is) the problem. I've been choosing guys who don't want to commit so I could feel like I'd won something if I could get them to make me their choice. Are you hearing how fucked up that logic is?! I'M THE PROBLEM!!! 

So if you know me, you know I'm that girl. I hate to admit it. & by that girl, I mean the girl who is so in love until she isn't & then there's like a 10 minute lapse before I'm falling over someone new. This is really painful for me because I hate those girls! I make fun of those girls! But I'm trying to be honest & I am what I am. I'm that girl. (I've even started to feel really bad for the way everyone makes fun of Taylor Swift. I'm on the brink of posting a YouTube video of me crying up close into the camera, "leave Taylor alone!") 
So, of course, there's this one guy. He's gorgeous, he's smart, he likes my jokes. He's that guy: "hey, touch my shirt. You know what it's made of? Boyfriend material." 
& I'm actually terrified that I'm not good enough for him, that I'm smothering him, that I'm misreading things & he's not even into me, that I'm going to fail the bar exam & he's going to realize he can do better. All the time. It's been a while since I've been so...neurotic. It's gotten to a place where people around me are beginning to resent me. 
& on top of making me feel like a total fucking spaz, he says perfect shit. Like shit that men say in romcoms that you never ever hear guys say in real life. 

So, the other night we're talking & he's telling me about how he gives everything in his relationships & I'm thinking: are you crazy? Were you an ugly kid or something?? But instead, I tell him that when he says stuff like that, it makes me uncomfortable. I tell him that I'm not ready to accept the fact that there are handsome, hard working men out there who will treat me and our relationship with respect. 
& he's like: no, they are out there. 

This conversation was a couple of nights ago & since then I've realized; he's so right. I can think of several guys who would have been awesome boyfriends, guys who maybe I'd be married to by now had I not been such an idiot, that I've turned down over the years. & I came up with excuses for why we wouldn't work; he's a bad kisser, he's got a third nipple, he always farts in the bathroom & I can hear it! Or whatever.

The truth is; there was never an absence of good guys for me to date, I just never wanted to date them. They were too simple, they didn't thrill me with their indifference, they didn't have exciting criminal pasts or women I'd constantly be competing with. 
& I know people say that a lot of nice guys are not as handsome or dorky, but I've met (& passed up) several handsome & sweet gems of men because I was crazy. 

I've done this to myself. I am responsible for the fact that I'm single, again. 

& I'm just not going to do this anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm out of money. My friends are tired of my shit. I'm ready to be with someone who isn't playing games. 

Something else that's changed about me; I was all about educated men. I couldn't fathom being with someone who didn't have a four year degree. It might be weird for me to put this on the Internet but I'm not using his real name & this is my blog so I can do whatever the fuck I want, basically, but Solo never had any money. In the 2 years we were together, I can count the number of dates he paid for & gifts he bought me, COMBINED, on one hand. Did I mention this was over the course of TWO previous years?!? I don't even really care that much about the money but like this kid had drug money, had money for concert tickets & trips to California. He just didn't have date money. Haha

In the time I've lived in San Antonio, I've had a cute neighbor who was an Airman. Every time I saw him, he'd flirt with me & say how he was going to ask me out. Recently, I responded to his flirting with, "I'll believe it when I see it." & he was like, "you wouldn't go out with me." & I asked him why he thought that so he says I'm too educated for him & I'm looking for someone who went to college. 
This was true for a long time. 
I hope it's not cruel for me to say this, because Solo & I had a reasonably good time together & I really am grateful for what he gave me, but after dating Solo, I'm done with the mentality of needing a man with a degree. I'd take a hard working man who supports himself over a college guy who is constantly borrowing money ANY DAY. Hands down. 

So anyway, to tie things up, I'm the problem & I know it now. & I'm going to change that & see what happens. 

1 comment:

  1. Don't think of yourself as the problem, necessarily. You're just growing as a person and having realizations of what you want and how that's changed over the past years. It's great that you're going to be more open-minded re:dating, because that opens a whole ton more of possibilities =] I'm definitely sure that you will find that amazing guy who is responsible and respectful and still can sweep you off your feet. <3