Monday, September 23, 2013

Something to write about

There is a guy who I've been, I'll just fucking say it, obsessing over since the summer started. 
I haven't properly picked out a blog nickname for him, but let's call him Crane. He was the first time I've ever met cute & it happened while I was hanging cranes in my old office so...like, yeah. 
Crane is the kind of guy dreams are made of; he's educated, family oriented, funny, and damnit if he isn't gorgeous. & of course, he's too good to be true.
It wasn't too long ago, but certainly long enough ago that people around have began to question my judgment. Crane is not an American & we come from completely different ethnic backgrounds. & so Crane tells me one night that there's a limit to where things can go between us because of this cultural difference. 
I'm so bad at reacting to things on the spot, especially bad news. So I had all these things swirling around my mind but in that precise moment, what I managed to say was basically "okay."
Had it been anyone but Crane, I would have given them a mouthful. But it wasn't. 
Growing up in an army community, interracial dating is very much a reality and a norm. Sometimes I romanticize America--our president is biracial!-- but one need not look far to see that xenophobia and racism are major realities of America today. Is calling this situation racist taking things too far? I think about the conversation Crane & I had & imagine a white guy saying those exact things to me. I would, without a moment's hesitation, remove that person from every facet of my life for being racist. But then I also think that interracial dating is not a norm in a lot of places/cultures and that most people come from homogenous societies. This is spiraling out of control. 

Where I mean to go with this: Crane is still someone I'm very much interested in and getting to know. & that's all I know. 

I try to sort through how I feel and what I want but just come up with more questions. 
Do I really need another serious relationship right now? In the last 8 years, I've had 3 serious relationships all stacked haphazardly on top of each other. Maybe something not serious is in order? 
Do I feel confused when Crane does or says something sweet or gets jealous? Always. 
Am I terrified that I'm going to be heartbroken? Absolutely. 
& on that particular question, I ask myself; how is this really any different than any other relationship? 
In a lot of ways, I hate that this is my point of reference but in 500 days of summer, there's a scene where Tom says to Summer, "I just want to know that you won't wake up tomorrow feeling differently." Or something similar. & Summer says, "I can't promise you that. No one can."
& it's the truth. Isn't every relationship just one person giving another person the permission to completely destroy us? 


But anyway. So, like I said, I know nothing. Only time will tell, I guess. 

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