"If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself..."
--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love.
I'm exactly this way & I don't necessarily think of it as a bad thing or something to be ashamed of, all except for that last idea. "I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself..."
Having spent the majority of my day obsessively analyzing (and over analyzing) exactly what happened last night & talking to anyone who would listen about it, literally, from the moment I woke up this morning, I realized just how guilty I am of projecting things that aren't there onto those I love.
& so, since I did a shitty job of catching everyone (& when I say everyone, I'm talking directly to the internet strangers being referred here from amateur pornography sites--a fact that I discovered today after reviewing this blog's traffic sources) up on what actually happened to spurn that first post last night.
Crane told me early on that he had to be with someone who is also Indian...because he's Indian, something I've never expressly stated on this blog. & yes, I gave a shit about this rule because I knew it meant that there was a limit to where things go between us. & I knew there was a possibility that he could meet someone who he could actually see a future with and who he might want to pursue.
So, I should not have been surprised when this very thing did, in fact, happen.
And yet, I was.
A month ago, Crane broke things off, saying that it would be better to end it before we became any more invested. It happened suddenly as part of an ordinary conversation and something didn't feel right. & while the truth about what has happening felt like it was playing out right in front me, I didn't want to believe it.
Crane and I had agreed that if someone new ever came along while we were involved, we would be honest with each other about it. & this is where that whole projection thing comes in; though there were people who I could have been interested in, I always weighed them against Crane, & there was no one I wanted to see more than I wanted to continue seeing him. Had there been someone else, I would have been honest about it because I wouldn't want to surprise him if things did work out or if my feelings began to shift.
& of course, I assumed that Crane felt this way as well.
& of course, I was wrong. In facing this disappointment, it's easy to be upset with Crane, but equally easy to be upset with myself. Because I made it up; he never felt how I did. Along with this, I made up things about Crane & the kind of person he is that aren't true.
I may have liked Crane so much as to forsake all other suitors, I may have thought that he was someone I could have belonged to. But these things were easy to think because I was literally crafting the man I want & then throwing these ideas onto Crane. & the result is that I fell for this wholly fictionalized version of Crane.
Which sounds mean. & sort of is.
Because Crane is a good guy. A really good guy.
& I would have been lucky to have him.
I guess I was.
But what I'm getting at is that the person I imagined Crane was, was someone who felt a certain way about me. He was someone who wouldn't have been too scared of confrontation to tell me that they met someone. He was someone who would have trusted my emotional maturity enough to know that I would have been disappointed but not angry, that I still could have pulled it together enough to wish him well. Someone who didn't think that my own feelings were something he needed to protect me from.
& Crane didn't live up to the person I'd imagined but that's not his fault, it's my own.