"Miss Carolyn Krafft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows. Her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday School teacher, and she had some 99-cent lip gloss on her snaggletooth. And that's when I realized; making fun of Caroline Krafft wouldn't stop her from beating me in this contest. Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you."
--Tina Fey, Mean Girls.
Welcome back, porn watchers!
If you're a loyal reader (& anything like my real life friends), you're probably wondering how much longer I'll continue to dwell on this whole Crane fiasco. Well, fuck you.
So, a couple of posts ago, I may or may not have taken a shot at Crane's lady du jour (& by calling her that, I'm putting a fun/bitter spin on the fact that he's probably going to marry her because that's how life is). & I'm not particularly proud of myself. Actually, that's an understatement. I'm pretty appalled with my behavior. I like to imagine that I'm not this horrible shit talker but I'm having to confront the fact that I'm actually horrible, not just because I talk shit but because...I just am.
The thing about her is that (I've done sufficient internet lurking to say with confidence) she's amazing. & talking shit about her didn't make me prettier.
It didn't make Crane come running back or change his mind about her.
It didn't make her any less amazing.
All it actually did was highlight my own bitterness and insecurity and pettiness. & probably, because I know he knows my URL, it just reassured Crane that I am horrible & that he was right.
& I could just delete that thing I said but the damage is done, I won't pretend like I'm better than that. I'm clearly not.
So the problem in front of me is this:
& if I want to be with someone like Crane, I need to be someone worthy of being with someone like him.
& if I want to not be heartbroken in the future, I need to not date (Read: fall miserably in love with) unavailable men.
I want to be honest: I will still be an awful person tomorrow. And the day after.
Probably far into the foreseeable future. But now I can see the kind of person I want/need to be & (again) in the words of Tina Fey, for she is my Goddess Divine, "I want to go to there."